Monday, December 19, 2011

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

That was always one of my favorite rides at Disney World.  Considering I am a thrill seeker and love all things rollercoasters with big drops, I'm not sure what excited me so about a little ride on a car that was basically a stroll through a large, partitioned room with some strange scenery and a few crashes, twists, turns, and close calls.  Maybe it was all in preparation for the wild ride we're now on... maybe you have to go through darkness and hell to come out the other side into the light and get off the ride.

I'm going to tell you two things that will make absolutely no sense together. 
  • Over a year ago, when we decided to pull the goalie, I never thought I'd be where we are right now.  I fully expected to get pregnant pretty much right away. 
  • Most of my adult life, I've had this nagging feeling that I would have trouble getting pregnant.
I told you they wouldn't make sense together.  I truly have always had this feeling, but when it came down to it, I very much expected to get pregnant right away.  Part of me wonders if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The other part of me thinks it's just like many things I have feelings about, deja vu, dreams, etc.  (I am kind of psychic.  Not full on can read anyone's mind or anything, but I think I have more weird "psychic" things than most people.  And, now you may also call me psychotic.)  Here's the thing about this feeling, there is absolutely nothing in my past or health history to ever make me think this.  Up until about two years ago, as far as I've known, I'm totally healthy.  I did find out almost two years ago that I am subclinically hypothyroid, but it doesn't appear to have much effect on anything.  I cycle normally, have a ton of eggs, etc.  The only other thing is that we've found out I have low progesterone post ovulation, but there's an app a pill for that.  So, while things aren't perfect, I should still be getting pregnant.

So, back to the ride.  I don't think I'm enlightening anyone by telling you that it is such a rollercoaster of emotions.  Some days I don't know my head from my ass and I'm just pissed.  Other days, I feel totally hopeful and happy.  Then, I'm sitting around a dinner table listening to someone say how their friends just got pregnant, friends I don't even know, and my heart drops into my stomach and does five flips.  Why can't that be us they're talking about?  I'm all for a good cry, but I have not even cried over our lack of pregnancy (I prefer this to infertility, as we really aren't infertile... maybe incompatible, I don't know, but not infertile).  Now, when our appraisal came back way less than we expected (we're trying to refi), I almost cried.  When Matt found out his project was canceled, I almost cried.  But not yet about this.  (P.S.  God, I know You're listening... I realize you think we're really strong and stuff, and we are, but can we just have a few good years without being thrown for some sort of loop like job uncertainty or child uncertainty or family illness or death?  K, thanks.)

Maybe it's because I know it will happen.  I do.  I don't know when, and I wish I did.  That would make this a lot easier.  I know that I have some control over it (treatments), but not really.  We've had two IUIs with no pregnancies.  I never questioned whether or not we'd do them, but I did question whether it made any difference.  If I truly believe that God will give us a child when He's good and darn ready (I do), then what difference do fertility treatments make, especially for people who don't really seem to need them?  But, God also gave us the knowledge and wisdom to do these things, so you have to try.  This, my friends, is the roller coaster... the wild ride... of thoughts, of (over)analysis, of prayers, of emotions.

There's more to say, to explore, to overanalyze, but not today.  So, I invite you on board.  Buckle your seatbelts, because it's going to be a wild, bumpy ride, but I have faith that we will arrive safely to our Destination; we just might make a few sudden turns and hit a few pot holes on the way.  I pray we're almost there.

And, if you want to join in this journey, may I ask for your prayers this week as we try again?  Obviously, I'd love your prayers for a successful outcome and a healthy baby, but I'd also love if you'd pray for our peace and that God makes Himself known to us through this process.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Governor Deal is Incompetent

That's about the nicest thing I've said about him since I found out he canceled the project Matt has been busting his ass on for the last year plus.  He will be receiving a strongly worded letter from me, and while I would love nothing more that to tell him he's an idiot, I'll keep it factual without name calling. - this article explains it much better than I could.

I'm happy to say that I didn't vote for him!!!  Libertarian all the way, baby.  Ron Paul is inching up my list too (we'll see which party he runs under after the primaries are over), but I am still a Romney fan.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas Miracles

I love Christmas, and I love this time of year.  I love the decor, the music and reflecting on the miracle of Christ's birth.  But, for whatever reason, I am just not that into it this year.  I don't want to shop; I wasn't even that excited about decorating my house; I would like to bake at some point, but I probably won't.  I think part of the problem is that I have too many things going on at the moment, so I don't really have time to just sit back and enjoy the magic of the Season.  I literally do not want any material goods and do not have a Christmas list.  I don't need anything.  Matt and I are not doing gifts this year (hello kitchen renovation/finally decorating our house), so I don't have a ton to buy but I have not bought a single thing for the family.  Nothing.  I did manage to throw together a Christmas card last minute despite not really having any pictures of us this year (this yields a card with a very tiny picture of us and two gratuitous pictures of the doggies).  :)

I think the other part is the only thing we really want for Christmas can't exactly be bought.  I don't think I need to skirt around the subject with such vagueness anymore now that those close to us know.  We want a child.  We want children (one at a time, preferably).  We've been trying to make this happen for over a year.  And nada.  And, there's not really an explanation for it.  Which is great, because we "work" for all intents and purposes.  But also extremely frustrating, because if we "work", then WTF?  Is our junk incompatible.  What?  I know in my heart of hearts that we will have children.  I truly do not doubt that.  I do not believe that God would put the desire for children in our hearts if He did not intend to bless us in that way.  I don't know in what form that will come... our own, adoption?  I've always been open to adoption, but I do want children of our own blood too (and we certainly aren't to the adoption point yet considering the cost).

This whole "infertility" thing (I hate that term, because we are certainly not infertile) is quite the test of faith.  Matt asked me one night what we'd done (as in to deserve this).  I joked the other night that maybe God does hate me.  Of course, we don't really believe that but sometimes you just need to say it.  On the other hand, while I feel like this could push so many people away from the Lord, it's only drawn me (us, really, if I can speak for Matt) closer.  I can do NOTHING but TRUST in the Lord and that His timing is perfect.  I truly don't feel like I have anything without faith, hope and love.  Our hearts ache for a child, but I also know that EVERYTHING will change when that happens.  And, the time we spend waiting is time that we can be selfish and focus on each other.  We are so lucky to have a truly amazing relationship and a very strong marriage, so I know God is working something here and making all things work together for our good (love that song).  Frankly, I think God is answering a prayer in a way I would have never wanted, but nonetheless, I believe He knows what He is doing.

So, that's it.  That's all we want for Christmas... a little life growing inside me.  Not quite an immaculate conception, but a Christmas miracle nonetheless.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The rest of what I'm thankful for...

To continue from the last post through the month of November.

17.  A warm, cozy bed.
18.  Cuddling.
19.  A fire in the fireplace.
20.  Things to look forward to.
21.  Knowing what Brussels sprouts look like before they end up in a bag.  Who knew!?

22.  That I've never run across one of these.  OMG.

A freaking huge eastern diamond back rattlesnake found not too far from where my mom lives some time ago.
23.  A solid marriage.  Have I mentioned that I love my husband???
24.  Pageants, my guilty pleasure.
25.  Being a Florida Gator... in all kinds of weather... or crappy football seasons.
26.  Good wine.
27.  This young man standing up for equality.
28.  A good cry every now and then.
29.  Chick-fil-a.  I don't eat it too often, but it's usually worth the "cheat."  I could really go for a cookies and cream milkshake right now.
30.  James 1:2-8

Friday, November 18, 2011

Win or Lose...

...we still booze.  For some reason, that saying will never get old to me.  Well, the Florida Gators have been on the receiving end of a lot of losses this season, but it's still great to be a Florida Gator.  We headed up to Charlotte this past weekend to stay with Dai and head down to Columbia on Saturday as the Gators took on the Gamecocks in a nooner.  Noon games mean the Bloody Mary was on tap at 10am.  It was a fun day, even though we lost... again.  :)

I really liked this rooster (I'm censoring this compared to what I wrote on facebook after some liquid courage).  Had he been a hen, I would have stolen her to start my chicken coop!  But, really, who brings a rooster to a bar???  I think I may have said to him, "You have a rooster?  In a bar?"  10pts to name that movie.  Jenn, you don't count.
Gator scarves from Dunlop McCandless.  They also have Auburn, Alabama (which is my favorite one behind the Gators, of course... it's so cute), LSU, Florida State and an assortment of nice cufflinks!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011


A lot of people on Facebook are posting daily with the things they are thankful for through the month of November.  Well, I didn't jump on that bandwagon, but I find it is always a good exercise to stop thinking about the "bad"/what you don't like in your life/what you're missing/etc. and focus on all of the things you have been blessed by.  So, here goes my catch up through today...
  1. The grace, love, redemption, and providence of God and our Savior.
  2. My husband.  I truly look at him on a daily basis and thank God for him.
  3. My family (immediate and extended).  We aren't perfect, but we stick together!
  4. My girlfriends.  I have the BEST friends you could ask for.  Their support, love, encouragement and humor always astound me.  Just yesterday, Jenn sent me a text message that made me cry I was laughing so hard.  Man, I love her.
  5. The men and women who have and continue to serve our country, giving us the freedom we enjoy.
  6. Our jobs.  Even when Matt is working 12+ hour days and even though I am having a quarter-life crisis and don't really like my job that much, I am so thankful to be employed.
  7. The roof over our heads and the means to make it a home that we love (thanks to the talent of Capella Kincheloe - stay tuned).
  8. That not only do I never have to worry about going hungry, we are able to eat delicious and nutritious foods to sustain our bodies.
  9. Perspective.
  10. Faith and hope.
  11. My inlaws, who I can't wait to see next week!  It's been too long.  And, going to Mama Kath's means that I am going to be very fat and happy.  Yum.  :)
  12. My health and that of my family's.  We just had someone beat cancer and another scare it the eff away.  And, Davis' heart is looking really good.  Praise God!
  13. My doggies.  This Monday will mark a year since we adopted them.  Sometimes I want to drop kick them, but man I love them.
  14. That Maddie let me hold her like a baby last night... one big, hairy baby.  It was so cute... she just laid there and let me cradle her (belly up) in my lap and did not want to leave.
  15. Coffee.
  16. Being able to travel, even if it's just a quick weekend road trip to Charlotte.
Let's see what the rest of the month brings!  What are you thankful for today?

P.S.  I've seen this quote many times, but I love it.  "What if the only things you had today were what you thanked God for yesterday?"  Ponder that.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Proud Big Sister Alert

My little sister makes me proud all the time, whether it's making and selling her own line of jewelry (B. Envy), acing her dental hygiene classes or just being the nice girl that she is.  But, today I am proud of her for trying out and making the Jacksonville Sharks Dance Team!  As mentioned previously, she tried out totally last minute with almost no preparation but worked hard to learn all of the dances, got her flexibility back, figured out she could still tumble and made it!  I think this will be so fun for her and is a great way to stay in shape while doing something she'll enjoy!

My mom and her boyfriend's parents have already said they are buying season tickets!  Haha.  Matt and I will definitely head down for a game or two... one of my alltime favorite Gators, Chris Leak, is their new QB!  So, I have two reasons to support the team.

You can see her in the below video at 0:03, wearing a red sports bra w/ blonde curls blowing a kiss to the camera, then again at 0:43-0:47 doing her routine and then at the end, third from the left on the bottom row.  Ain't she cute?

And, here are the 2012 Shark Attack Dancers!  (Brandi is on the bottom row, third from the left - let's not discuss my jealousy of her body.  :)  Thanks.)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Vacay in photos

I wonder if we will have as many photos of our dogs once we have kids.  It's a bit ridiculous.  These pictures pretty much sum up what we did on our vacation... went to the beach, ate, relaxed, fished.  There's not much else to say.  It was amazing.

lazy day... spoiled girl.
these crabs were at least 20 feet away... love our camera

scallops + steak + crab cakes + baked potato + asparagus = well fed

gone fishin' - we caught at least 70 fish between 4 of us, kept 56 (mostly trout)... and did not take one picture of the fish... oops

family pic

the love of my life

two tennis balls = talent.  see also: typical, hoarder.

riding the wave to shore

my second favorite picture from our vacay

my most favoritest photo from vacay.  love those dogs.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Successful Weekend

Two shout outs.

First, to my friend Jamie Dragon for winning Miss Vermont USA on her 7th try!  Lucky #7!!!  Everything happens in perfect timing and this was just always meant to be.  She is an amazing person inside and out, and I am so so so so so glad she finally got to experience her winning moment.  Now on to Miss USA!!!!!!!!!  Woohoo!  (Side note:  I bawled like a baby at the first picture I got to see of her taking her victory walk.  I am a complete sap.  I met Jamie because the pageant messageboard I moderate, Pageant Central -, sponsored her as our Miss Pageant Central this year, providing her with a ton of amazing sponsors to make her dream come true... and it could not have happened to a better person.  She is GOLDEN and beautiful inside and out!)

Winning reaction!  So happy.

Love this.  One of the girls on the left (in the audience w/ her mouth open) was who nominated Jamie for Miss Pageant Central and she's a former Miss VT USA who I also know.

Right after crowning.

A little help from photoshop and voila, the state crown on her MPC headshot.  :)

Also, to my sister, Brandi, for making it to the finals of the Jacksonville Sharks dance team tryouts!  You can see her in this video at 0:52-0:56.  I also spied her in some of the group dance segments.  Brandi is not really a dancer, but she's as cute as can be and they are also looking for some girls with gymnastics ability, which you can see she has from the video.  Finals are Saturday, and I wish I could be there to cheer her on!  Go Brando! 

Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Fall Y'all

Imagery courtesy of God.  Pictures courtesy of the iPhone.

Friday, October 28, 2011


A dream is a wish your heart makes... when you're fast asleep.
In dreams you will lose your heartaches... whatever you wish for, you keep.
Have faith in your dreams, and someday, your rainbow will come smiling through.
No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing, the dreams that you wish will come true.

That Cinderella knew what she was talking about.  (Except for those weird, inexplicable dreams... in those cases, I'm calling her bluff.)

Monday, October 24, 2011

I don't wannnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaa

Return to reality, that is.  We spent 7.5 glorious days here and I want to go back and pretend that I don't have bills to pay and boring stuff like that.  The dogs were nonetoohappy to return, and neither were we.

I received an e-mail from Matt around lunchtime with the following message.

Subject: St. George Island

Just think, this time last week we were eating oysters and grouper while drinking a cocktail and looking out at the gulf. Now I’m eating a sandwich with pretzels while drinking water and looking at a monitor.

{le sigh}

Some iPhone photos until I upload the rest from the cameras... be warned, lots of dogs fetching tennis balls on the beach coming your way.

Good morning, SGI.

Finally, a photo of the two of us.

Spoiled.  (And loving life.)

so happy

him too

10" of rain = a very relaxing day

Not bad.

Apalach sunset.

Windy day on the Bay.

SGI sunset.
breakfast (made by moi)