Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas Miracles

I love Christmas, and I love this time of year.  I love the decor, the music and reflecting on the miracle of Christ's birth.  But, for whatever reason, I am just not that into it this year.  I don't want to shop; I wasn't even that excited about decorating my house; I would like to bake at some point, but I probably won't.  I think part of the problem is that I have too many things going on at the moment, so I don't really have time to just sit back and enjoy the magic of the Season.  I literally do not want any material goods and do not have a Christmas list.  I don't need anything.  Matt and I are not doing gifts this year (hello kitchen renovation/finally decorating our house), so I don't have a ton to buy but I have not bought a single thing for the family.  Nothing.  I did manage to throw together a Christmas card last minute despite not really having any pictures of us this year (this yields a card with a very tiny picture of us and two gratuitous pictures of the doggies).  :)

I think the other part is the only thing we really want for Christmas can't exactly be bought.  I don't think I need to skirt around the subject with such vagueness anymore now that those close to us know.  We want a child.  We want children (one at a time, preferably).  We've been trying to make this happen for over a year.  And nada.  And, there's not really an explanation for it.  Which is great, because we "work" for all intents and purposes.  But also extremely frustrating, because if we "work", then WTF?  Is our junk incompatible.  What?  I know in my heart of hearts that we will have children.  I truly do not doubt that.  I do not believe that God would put the desire for children in our hearts if He did not intend to bless us in that way.  I don't know in what form that will come... our own, adoption?  I've always been open to adoption, but I do want children of our own blood too (and we certainly aren't to the adoption point yet considering the cost).

This whole "infertility" thing (I hate that term, because we are certainly not infertile) is quite the test of faith.  Matt asked me one night what we'd done (as in to deserve this).  I joked the other night that maybe God does hate me.  Of course, we don't really believe that but sometimes you just need to say it.  On the other hand, while I feel like this could push so many people away from the Lord, it's only drawn me (us, really, if I can speak for Matt) closer.  I can do NOTHING but TRUST in the Lord and that His timing is perfect.  I truly don't feel like I have anything without faith, hope and love.  Our hearts ache for a child, but I also know that EVERYTHING will change when that happens.  And, the time we spend waiting is time that we can be selfish and focus on each other.  We are so lucky to have a truly amazing relationship and a very strong marriage, so I know God is working something here and making all things work together for our good (love that song).  Frankly, I think God is answering a prayer in a way I would have never wanted, but nonetheless, I believe He knows what He is doing.

So, that's it.  That's all we want for Christmas... a little life growing inside me.  Not quite an immaculate conception, but a Christmas miracle nonetheless.

8 comments:

AEOT said...

Kristin, I am so sorry. I can't imagine how you feel (as you know), but I can imagine that it's really hard and really frustrating for both of you. I hope you have seen or are going to see a wonderful specialist so that you can have some mental relief. If you want an entertaining story, I do have friends who adopted twins from Africa and found out less than one year of having the boys home that they were pregnant (after 6 years of trying). God works weirdly sometimes!!! I'll add you, Matt, and your future peanut to my prayer list!!

Jenn said...

I'm telling Santa this is all I want for Christmas too. I figure after the past few months I can call in a favor.

Meghan said...

I will be praying for you, Kristin. Isn't it so amazing to have such a strong marriage through this, though? Thanks for sharing your heart... it was beautiful.

Amy said...

You write so beautifully. I'll be sending up all my prayers for your Christmas miracle. Todd's brothers and their wives have/are struggling with this... it's just a trying, hard to understand thing... such a righteous desire shouldn't be so hard to come by. We love you!

Katie Farmand said...

I had a feeling. And I've been praying, and will continue praying, until your hearts' desire is met. I know how frustrating this whole thing can be, so know that you have lots of prayers and support coming your way :) xo

Alyse said...

My sweet cousin. I'm so sorry. You will make the perfect mother when that time comes. I sure love you and will pray that a sweet little spirit be sent to your home. All my love.

EmilyB said...

My heart goes out to you. At times it can feel like conception is so difficult - so many things have to work correctly at just the right times for it to happen. But at others, I'm sure you look around and see so many people having babies, and it must just be so frustrating. Keep the faith. God works in amazing ways, and hopefully 2012 will be your year!!

Jessi said...

Kristen - I will pray that God will bring you and Matt the joy of a child in the next year. For some of us it doesn't come quickly and we must learn patience. It's hard, I know. It took us just over a year. Not sure what you have already done, but am here to talk about it if you want. xo