I love Christmas, and I love this time of year. I love the decor, the music and reflecting on the miracle of Christ's birth. But, for whatever reason, I am just not that into it this year. I don't want to shop; I wasn't even that excited about decorating my house; I would like to bake at some point, but I probably won't. I think part of the problem is that I have too many things going on at the moment, so I don't really have time to just sit back and enjoy the magic of the Season. I literally do not want any material goods and do not have a Christmas list. I don't need anything. Matt and I are not doing gifts this year (hello kitchen renovation/finally decorating our house), so I don't have a ton to buy but I have not bought a single thing for the family. Nothing. I did manage to throw together a Christmas card last minute despite not really having any pictures of us this year (this yields a card with a very tiny picture of us and two gratuitous pictures of the doggies). :)
I think the other part is the only thing we really want for Christmas can't exactly be bought. I don't think I need to skirt around the subject with such vagueness anymore now that those close to us know. We want a child. We want children (one at a time, preferably). We've been trying to make this happen for over a year. And nada. And, there's not really an explanation for it. Which is great, because we "work" for all intents and purposes. But also extremely frustrating, because if we "work", then WTF? Is our junk incompatible. What? I know in my heart of hearts that we will have children. I truly do not doubt that. I do not believe that God would put the desire for children in our hearts if He did not intend to bless us in that way. I don't know in what form that will come... our own, adoption? I've always been open to adoption, but I do want children of our own blood too (and we certainly aren't to the adoption point yet considering the cost).
This whole "infertility" thing (I hate that term, because we are certainly not infertile) is quite the test of faith. Matt asked me one night what we'd done (as in to deserve this). I joked the other night that maybe God does hate me. Of course, we don't really believe that but sometimes you just need to say it. On the other hand, while I feel like this could push so many people away from the Lord, it's only drawn me (us, really, if I can speak for Matt) closer. I can do NOTHING but TRUST in the Lord and that His timing is perfect. I truly don't feel like I have anything without faith, hope and love. Our hearts ache for a child, but I also know that EVERYTHING will change when that happens. And, the time we spend waiting is time that we can be selfish and focus on each other. We are so lucky to have a truly amazing relationship and a very strong marriage, so I know God is working something here and making all things work together for our good (love that song). Frankly, I think God is answering a prayer in a way I would have never wanted, but nonetheless, I believe He knows what He is doing.
So, that's it. That's all we want for Christmas... a little life growing inside me. Not quite an immaculate conception, but a Christmas miracle nonetheless.