I'm going to tell you two things that will make absolutely no sense together.
- Over a year ago, when we decided to pull the goalie, I never thought I'd be where we are right now. I fully expected to get pregnant pretty much right away.
- Most of my adult life, I've had this nagging feeling that I would have trouble getting pregnant.
So, back to the ride. I don't think I'm enlightening anyone by telling you that it is such a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I don't know my head from my ass and I'm just pissed. Other days, I feel totally hopeful and happy. Then, I'm sitting around a dinner table listening to someone say how their friends just got pregnant, friends I don't even know, and my heart drops into my stomach and does five flips. Why can't that be us they're talking about? I'm all for a good cry, but I have not even cried over our lack of pregnancy (I prefer this to infertility, as we really aren't infertile... maybe incompatible, I don't know, but not infertile). Now, when our appraisal came back way less than we expected (we're trying to refi), I almost cried. When Matt found out his project was canceled, I almost cried. But not yet about this. (P.S. God, I know You're listening... I realize you think we're really strong and stuff, and we are, but can we just have a few good years without being thrown for some sort of loop like job uncertainty or child uncertainty or family illness or death? K, thanks.)
Maybe it's because I know it will happen. I do. I don't know when, and I wish I did. That would make this a lot easier. I know that I have some control over it (treatments), but not really. We've had two IUIs with no pregnancies. I never questioned whether or not we'd do them, but I did question whether it made any difference. If I truly believe that God will give us a child when He's good and darn ready (I do), then what difference do fertility treatments make, especially for people who don't really seem to need them? But, God also gave us the knowledge and wisdom to do these things, so you have to try. This, my friends, is the roller coaster... the wild ride... of thoughts, of (over)analysis, of prayers, of emotions.
There's more to say, to explore, to overanalyze, but not today. So, I invite you on board. Buckle your seatbelts, because it's going to be a wild, bumpy ride, but I have faith that we will arrive safely to our Destination; we just might make a few sudden turns and hit a few pot holes on the way. I pray we're almost there.
And, if you want to join in this journey, may I ask for your prayers this week as we try again? Obviously, I'd love your prayers for a successful outcome and a healthy baby, but I'd also love if you'd pray for our peace and that God makes Himself known to us through this process.