Monday, December 19, 2011

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

That was always one of my favorite rides at Disney World.  Considering I am a thrill seeker and love all things rollercoasters with big drops, I'm not sure what excited me so about a little ride on a car that was basically a stroll through a large, partitioned room with some strange scenery and a few crashes, twists, turns, and close calls.  Maybe it was all in preparation for the wild ride we're now on... maybe you have to go through darkness and hell to come out the other side into the light and get off the ride.

I'm going to tell you two things that will make absolutely no sense together. 
  • Over a year ago, when we decided to pull the goalie, I never thought I'd be where we are right now.  I fully expected to get pregnant pretty much right away. 
  • Most of my adult life, I've had this nagging feeling that I would have trouble getting pregnant.
I told you they wouldn't make sense together.  I truly have always had this feeling, but when it came down to it, I very much expected to get pregnant right away.  Part of me wonders if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The other part of me thinks it's just like many things I have feelings about, deja vu, dreams, etc.  (I am kind of psychic.  Not full on can read anyone's mind or anything, but I think I have more weird "psychic" things than most people.  And, now you may also call me psychotic.)  Here's the thing about this feeling, there is absolutely nothing in my past or health history to ever make me think this.  Up until about two years ago, as far as I've known, I'm totally healthy.  I did find out almost two years ago that I am subclinically hypothyroid, but it doesn't appear to have much effect on anything.  I cycle normally, have a ton of eggs, etc.  The only other thing is that we've found out I have low progesterone post ovulation, but there's an app a pill for that.  So, while things aren't perfect, I should still be getting pregnant.

So, back to the ride.  I don't think I'm enlightening anyone by telling you that it is such a rollercoaster of emotions.  Some days I don't know my head from my ass and I'm just pissed.  Other days, I feel totally hopeful and happy.  Then, I'm sitting around a dinner table listening to someone say how their friends just got pregnant, friends I don't even know, and my heart drops into my stomach and does five flips.  Why can't that be us they're talking about?  I'm all for a good cry, but I have not even cried over our lack of pregnancy (I prefer this to infertility, as we really aren't infertile... maybe incompatible, I don't know, but not infertile).  Now, when our appraisal came back way less than we expected (we're trying to refi), I almost cried.  When Matt found out his project was canceled, I almost cried.  But not yet about this.  (P.S.  God, I know You're listening... I realize you think we're really strong and stuff, and we are, but can we just have a few good years without being thrown for some sort of loop like job uncertainty or child uncertainty or family illness or death?  K, thanks.)

Maybe it's because I know it will happen.  I do.  I don't know when, and I wish I did.  That would make this a lot easier.  I know that I have some control over it (treatments), but not really.  We've had two IUIs with no pregnancies.  I never questioned whether or not we'd do them, but I did question whether it made any difference.  If I truly believe that God will give us a child when He's good and darn ready (I do), then what difference do fertility treatments make, especially for people who don't really seem to need them?  But, God also gave us the knowledge and wisdom to do these things, so you have to try.  This, my friends, is the roller coaster... the wild ride... of thoughts, of (over)analysis, of prayers, of emotions.

There's more to say, to explore, to overanalyze, but not today.  So, I invite you on board.  Buckle your seatbelts, because it's going to be a wild, bumpy ride, but I have faith that we will arrive safely to our Destination; we just might make a few sudden turns and hit a few pot holes on the way.  I pray we're almost there.

And, if you want to join in this journey, may I ask for your prayers this week as we try again?  Obviously, I'd love your prayers for a successful outcome and a healthy baby, but I'd also love if you'd pray for our peace and that God makes Himself known to us through this process.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Governor Deal is Incompetent

That's about the nicest thing I've said about him since I found out he canceled the project Matt has been busting his ass on for the last year plus.  He will be receiving a strongly worded letter from me, and while I would love nothing more that to tell him he's an idiot, I'll keep it factual without name calling. - this article explains it much better than I could.

I'm happy to say that I didn't vote for him!!!  Libertarian all the way, baby.  Ron Paul is inching up my list too (we'll see which party he runs under after the primaries are over), but I am still a Romney fan.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Christmas Miracles

I love Christmas, and I love this time of year.  I love the decor, the music and reflecting on the miracle of Christ's birth.  But, for whatever reason, I am just not that into it this year.  I don't want to shop; I wasn't even that excited about decorating my house; I would like to bake at some point, but I probably won't.  I think part of the problem is that I have too many things going on at the moment, so I don't really have time to just sit back and enjoy the magic of the Season.  I literally do not want any material goods and do not have a Christmas list.  I don't need anything.  Matt and I are not doing gifts this year (hello kitchen renovation/finally decorating our house), so I don't have a ton to buy but I have not bought a single thing for the family.  Nothing.  I did manage to throw together a Christmas card last minute despite not really having any pictures of us this year (this yields a card with a very tiny picture of us and two gratuitous pictures of the doggies).  :)

I think the other part is the only thing we really want for Christmas can't exactly be bought.  I don't think I need to skirt around the subject with such vagueness anymore now that those close to us know.  We want a child.  We want children (one at a time, preferably).  We've been trying to make this happen for over a year.  And nada.  And, there's not really an explanation for it.  Which is great, because we "work" for all intents and purposes.  But also extremely frustrating, because if we "work", then WTF?  Is our junk incompatible.  What?  I know in my heart of hearts that we will have children.  I truly do not doubt that.  I do not believe that God would put the desire for children in our hearts if He did not intend to bless us in that way.  I don't know in what form that will come... our own, adoption?  I've always been open to adoption, but I do want children of our own blood too (and we certainly aren't to the adoption point yet considering the cost).

This whole "infertility" thing (I hate that term, because we are certainly not infertile) is quite the test of faith.  Matt asked me one night what we'd done (as in to deserve this).  I joked the other night that maybe God does hate me.  Of course, we don't really believe that but sometimes you just need to say it.  On the other hand, while I feel like this could push so many people away from the Lord, it's only drawn me (us, really, if I can speak for Matt) closer.  I can do NOTHING but TRUST in the Lord and that His timing is perfect.  I truly don't feel like I have anything without faith, hope and love.  Our hearts ache for a child, but I also know that EVERYTHING will change when that happens.  And, the time we spend waiting is time that we can be selfish and focus on each other.  We are so lucky to have a truly amazing relationship and a very strong marriage, so I know God is working something here and making all things work together for our good (love that song).  Frankly, I think God is answering a prayer in a way I would have never wanted, but nonetheless, I believe He knows what He is doing.

So, that's it.  That's all we want for Christmas... a little life growing inside me.  Not quite an immaculate conception, but a Christmas miracle nonetheless.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

The rest of what I'm thankful for...

To continue from the last post through the month of November.

17.  A warm, cozy bed.
18.  Cuddling.
19.  A fire in the fireplace.
20.  Things to look forward to.
21.  Knowing what Brussels sprouts look like before they end up in a bag.  Who knew!?

22.  That I've never run across one of these.  OMG.

A freaking huge eastern diamond back rattlesnake found not too far from where my mom lives some time ago.
23.  A solid marriage.  Have I mentioned that I love my husband???
24.  Pageants, my guilty pleasure.
25.  Being a Florida Gator... in all kinds of weather... or crappy football seasons.
26.  Good wine.
27.  This young man standing up for equality.
28.  A good cry every now and then.
29.  Chick-fil-a.  I don't eat it too often, but it's usually worth the "cheat."  I could really go for a cookies and cream milkshake right now.
30.  James 1:2-8