Fortunate

That was how Jenn described it, and it is really the best adjective to use, I think.  We certainly aren't lucky, because if we were lucky, we wouldn't be dealing with infertility nonsense in the first place.  But we are certainly fortunate that this predicament we've found ourselves in has been made much easier financially thanks to Matt's insurance policy.

If you recall, I was laid off in January 2011.  Although I thoroughly enjoyed my extended vacation and was not upset about being laid off, I do have to work so it wasn't all peachy (as in, we cannot afford to live on one income).  Because that is considered a life changing event, Matt was able to add me to his insurance policy, which made me being laid off the best thing ever.  His insurance is amazing.  And, we had no idea just how amazing it was until late last year when we began seeing an RE thinking anything we did would be 100% out of pocket.

While I have certainly appreciated our insurance in the past, I never thought we'd have to do IVF, so I didn't really appreciate it as much as I do now.  I haven't had to take any drugs, because my body does what it's supposed to do and I produce healthy (as far as we can tell) eggs.  So, even if we were paying for our IUIs, they wouldn't really have been that much anyway.  But, wow is IVF another story.  Again, because I appear to be healthy for all intents and purposes, my IVF protocol is "easy" compared to most.  So, while I may not fall into the $4,000 for drugs alone costs that I've heard about, they would be significantly more than I'm paying.  Shoot, I've paid more for a pair of shoes (although only once) or a really nice dinner out than my entire IVF drug protocol.  And, since my hysteroscopy, trial transfer, and baseline tests are all coming up within the next two weeks, we had to go ahead and pay our IVF fee yesterday.  I joked with Matt last night on our walk that instead of buying myself a Louis Vuitton purse for my 30th birthday, I'm (hopefully) buying us a baby.  ;)  There is absolutely no way we'd even be going down this path at all if it weren't for his insurance.  Maybe eventually, but certainly not so "soon."  We don't know if it would ever happen on its own (maybe we have some freak thing going on where his sperm just cannot permeate my eggs on their own... no clue), and because of our good fortune, we don't have to wait and see.

So, while I still wish I could speed up the process a little so there was more cushion between a potential transfer and my trip (I really don't understand why they won't let me start the meds on the 30th or 31st... I know, cry me a river), I'm just going to take it for what it is, bask in our good fortune that we even have this opportunity, and go along for the ride (oh, and cross my fingers, say lots of prayers, etc etc etc).  The thought that I could have a baby growing inside me in less than a month is more than I can comprehend.  (And, I can't let my brain go to the other option.)  Operation baby-making - inhabit the uterus for 38 weeks is underway.  And, although I wish it hadn't come to this, I am so incredibly thankful that we have this option.

Timing

Timing can be a lot of things... impeccable, bad, unfortunate, good, and out of your control.

I was once again reminded yesterday how not in control of this situation I am.  I wasn't sure if I was going to share this on the blog, but for some reason, now I'm feeling like I just need to write and get it out there.  After three unsuccessful IUIs, we determined that IVF was going to be our best shot at getting pregnant.  Several things factored into moving forward with something so extreme without having tried other options... amazing insurance, not knowing why we haven't gotten pregnant (it's not anything they can test for), being "ready", wanting to be able to control twinning to some extent (as opposed to using medications that would give me more eggs for a better shot with IUI).

We haven't done anything since our last IUI in December.  We decided in January that we were going to do IVF, so we've just been playing the waiting game until then (and giving it a couple of last ditch efforts on our own).  I knew roughly when I would start my period, roughly how long I would be on all the meds, and could pinpoint our retrieval and transfer within a few days.  Well, I started my period yesterday and called the doctor to get everything scheduled, and my world was rocked.  (Emphasis on the dramatic, here.)

I expected to know if I was pregnant within a month or so, and now, I won't even being doing a transfer for a least a month.  See, my doctors failed to tell me that their lab was doing quality control testing at the end of March.  Precisely when I would be needing them.  Then, they proceed to tell me that everything is booked on April 1 and 2, so they can't get me in for baseline testing until April 4, which would put a transfer possibly DURING my girls trip to NYC, at which time I expected that I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Cue me starting to freak out, and if you know me, I really don't have a penchants for freaking out about much.  I held it together on the phone with the nurse, but I lost it when I talked to my mom and my BFF and finally Matt when he got home.  (As an aside, they are trying to squeeze me in on the 2nd.)

Trust me, I realize the dramatics of it all.  I mean, big friggin' deal... everything is pushed out a couple of weeks from what I thought.  It's just that in all of this, I thought I had some little tiny bit of control over when this would happen... I had it all planned in my head, I knew what (to some extent) was coming and when.  And, bam.  I am looking forward to this trip like I haven't looked forward to something in awhile.  And part of that would be either celebrating a pregnancy or drowning my sorrows in Bloody Marys over brunch with my best friends.  So, if I end up doing a transfer right before we go, do I really want to be running around the streets of NY for four days?  My plans were to kick my feet up and work from home and CHILL for a few days afterwards, and give that embryo the best chance I can.  My plans...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that a trip to NY or sitting on my derriere with my feet up will not matter.  If it's God's timing and His plan, it is going to happen.  No amount of my own planning is going to change that, and this was just another not so gentle reminder that I need to give up control.  I keep saying that I'm putting it on Jesus, and I am trying to do that, to let Him bear my burden, but I am not always successful.  I've prayed that if this is not the answer, somehow shut the door.  I've prayed for peace, comfort, grace, faith, a baby, perspective... you name it.

Amy posted this verse on her blog a couple of weeks ago, and it just rang so true for me.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." Habakkuk 2:3
I know that when we have our precious bundle of joy, in whatever way he or she comes to us, it truly will NOT be late by a single day.  I am sure their much longer wait than we've had is seeming so inconsequential at this point (except for all they've gained along the way), as they prepare to bring home their daughter.

On the subject of timing, when Matt finally got home last night, he brought in the mail and a sweet note one of my sweet neighbors dropped in our mailbox.  And, it really was impeccable timing.  Thank you, Molly.  Your words meant a lot to me, and I am anxiously awaiting a pink or blue balloon on your mailbox.  :)  P.S.  Matt and I had a discussion about how cute you are... haha, Matt doesn't usually use the word cute, but seriously... you take 40 weeks pregnant to a whole new level.

To bring some perspective back into the picture, I spent time in prayer last night only giving thanks for what I have, like the fact that I was crying over scheduling IVF rather than not being able to afford this opportunity.  It doesn't fully take away the pain of waiting or not knowing why this is happening the way it is or why it seems that we are "tested" maybe more than most, but it is a reminder of how much I have to be grateful for.  And, how God's timing in my life has worked out alright so far.

Braggart

My six year old nephew, James, is the smartest Kindergartener I know.  Plus, he is so stinking cute and sweet that I just want to steal him.  He called me the other night, and this is how our conversation went.

Me:  Hello?
James:  Aunt Kristin!
Me: (Surprised, because I expected his momma on the other end.) Hi James!  How are you?
James:  Aunt Kristin, guess what.  I read the book you got me when I was a baby.
Me:  (Confused, though I know I certainly have gotten him many books, I don't know which one.)  You did?  What book was that?
James:  The Little Engine That Could.  It was the first book I ever got.  You gave it to me when I was a baby and you wrote a note in the front.
Me:  I did(??)!!!  Wow.  That is so awesome.  And you read it?
James:  Yep, I read it by myself and the note too.
Me:  Well, what did the note say?
James:  Oh, hold on... (goes to get book)... "Christmas two hundred... I mean two thousand seven.  Dear James, You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.  Don't ever give up.  Love, Aunt Kristin"
Me:  (basically in tears at this point)  James!!!  That is so amazing.  I cannot believe you read that and read the book.  You are so smart.

More conversation ensues, and then I talk to Christine (his momma) and proceed to tell her how that just made my night.  Seriously, he is SIX!!!!!!!!!!  And, he read The Little Engine That Could, which has a lot of big words in it like merrily and steadily AND HE READ THOSE WORDS!  Apparently, the other kids in his class are reading Level 1 and 2 books and he's reading Level 3.  His teacher calls him her little reader.  I could not be more proud, as you can tell.  I hope they test him for Gifted!  That was always the best day of my week in elementary school.  (As a side note, he was born in January 2006 and I am certain that was not the first book I gave him, or that anyone else gave him for that matter.)  :)

Such a boy.

Paleo Applesauce

I was getting ready to do my grocery shopping for the week, and I was looking for a good recipe for pork chops when I came across one for pork chops and applesauce (please tell me you read that with a Humphrey Bogart accent, a'la Peter Brady circa 1970 or something... or my family's dinner table any time pork chops and applesauce was on the menu).  Well, I opted for a different pork chop recipe, but I did all of a sudden really want some applesauce.  This is not something I normally crave (and no, unfortunately, I am not pregnant).

So, of course I adapted the recipe (as I do with 99% of what I make... recipes are just guidelines - unless you're baking) and it was delicious.

Paleo Applesauce
-3 lbs organic apples (I used Gala and Granny Smith)
-1/4 c water
-2 tbsp local honey
-1 tbsp agave nectar (and more to taste)
-1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-1/4 tsp ground allspice
-1/8 tsp cinnamon

Peel, core and roughly chop the apples.  Put all of the ingredients into a pot and stir.  Bring to a simmer, stirring occassionally.  Reduce heat to low and cover for about 20 minutes.  When apples are falling apart when stirred, remove from heat and stir/mash with a fork to your desired consistency.  Add more agave as needed (depends on the acidity of your apples).  Serve warm or cold.  Eat, and feel like a kid again!

Mommy's Coming

Yay!  My mom, or madge as my sister and I affectionately call her (short for madre), is coming tomorrow!  Yayayayay!  I'm not sure what it is about moms visiting, but it just makes life better.  We have big plans of hitting up Ann Taylor Loft at Atlantic Station (it's her fave), Ikea, a little James McMurtry at Variety Playhouse (she doesn't know him, but we're dragging her along for the ride), Ballard Outlet (which I frequent since it is literally in my neighborhood... no for real, I can walk there), Bloody Marys at Six Feet Under on Sunday after church (bonus of not being pregnant yet... I can make mine with vodka instead of virgin), and just general tomfoolery.

We look nothing alike.  ;)

Loving Today

Yeah, yeah... besides my husband, dogs, family, friends and all that mushy stuff... this.

A little sneak peek of some of the things we've been up to in the living room.  I failed miserably at antiquing mirrors (side note: Ikea Lots mirrors are antique proof), so we just went with a clean version.  Five wide by five tall and framed out with 1-3/8" trim creates an inexpensive mirror installation above the fireplace that has a HUGE (literally and figuratively) impact.  It was also easy and quick... maybe took us 2-3 hours total to put up the mirrors, cut the trim, paint the trim, install the trim, then wood putty/touch up paint.  Stay tuned for more...

{happy dance... I love my house!}

I've got nothing.

Well, hello there.  I don't have much to say except that we've been busy putting the *almost* final touches on the house (you know, in addition to our normal duties like working and cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs), and I cannot wait to have it done and show it off!!!  Capella is beyond amazing, and the house is looking really good.  My good friend Jenny is going to come take some pretty pictures in a week and a half, so I will be posting them in the next several weeks.  The only thing that won't be done is the Roman shades for the kitchen, so we'll take a few shots of it now but the rest later.  And, the entry way probably won't be done (need a new console and to hang a new light), but that's not being photographed anyway, because that wasn't part of what Capella was doing for us.

Besides that, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today and trying to snap out of it.  I hate feeling like this.  I prayed for a long time last night... I thanked God, I pleaded with God, I asked God for contentment.  We want children.  This is not news to anyone, especially Him.  So besides asking Him to get with our program and make this happen (ha!), I am just begging Him to help me be content with what I have (in all parts of life) and thanking him for it.  I don't love my job, but I have a job.  I want to have a baby, but the time that Matt and I have together to ourselves is priceless.  I have so much more than I need.  I am so incredibly grateful for my husband and our marriage. 

And, I know all of this will be worth it... the doctors, the waiting, the hoping, wishing, willing, praying, believing, doubting, hurting.  There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that every little ounce of it will be worth it the first time we hold our child.  I just don't understand why we're being made to wait.  I know this isn't true and everyone has their demons, but I look around and see people that seem to have it all and haven't had a lot of heartache (or seemingly any) in their lives.  And then I look at my own life, and while I have had a wonderful life, I have faced more loss than most.  But, I know people who have had it way worse off, too.  And, I just wonder why we're being dealt these hands?  I am a believer that God won't give you more than you can handle and that He molds faith and character through hardships (James 1:3, James 1:12, James 5:11).  Sometimes I just want to ask if we can catch a break, but then I feel so incredibly selfish and shallow and ashamed of myself, because I know my life is good.

So, you see this little conundrum?  This vicious cycle of feeling sorry about my circumstances and then feeling sorry for feeling sorry about my circumstances.  Yeah.  Maybe I need a shrink.  :)  That is all.  Good day.

P.S.  Apparently I had a lot more to say than when I started this post.  Okay, now I'm really done.

POTUS

I have never hidden the fact that I lean more toward conservatism (except on many human rights issues, i.e. gay marriage) or that I did not vote (and will not vote) for President Obama.  However, this whole Governor Brewer chastising President Obama "controversy" has me thinking (see here for another article).  Is the President immune from criticism?  Is it disrespectful to stick up for yourself in a disagreement with the President?

Of course, social media is abuzz and I've seen several posts on facebook (from supporters of the President) calling the Governor out for being rude, disrespectful, etc.  I would challenge those same people to stick up for the Office of the President when George Bush was our leader.  Nonetheless, I tend to agree with the crux of their argument.

While I do not agree with many of the policies our President has enacted or supports, I have the utmost respect for the Office of the President.  He (and hopefully one day, she) has a job that I do not envy and that none of us can comprehend unless there is a former President reading this lil' ol' blog  (if so, hi, and call me!).  I would still get a thrill out of meeting President Obama and shaking his hand.  Hell, I'd love to sit down and have a beer with him and congratulate him on kicking his smoking habit and tell him how I admire the First Lady's children's health initiative.  I'd love to pick his brain about why he supports certain policies and share some of my ideas, like how his "shovel ready" projects are lame-o (build big infrastructure projects that are NEEDED and employ WAY more people over a WAY longer period of time than these little jobs).  And, if we disagreed, which we would, I would not back down.  However, I do think any President deserves a level of respect and decorum which was not displayed by Governor Brewer.

We're really only hearing her side of the story, but based on that, I support her sticking up for herself.  Just maybe don't put your finger in the President's face next time.

An Ode to my Best Friend

Jenn, on your 30th year plus one day of life, I wrote an ode to you. It's also somewhat of a discourse on best friends, but anywho.

We met in college. I don't think you liked me at first. I was pretty indifferent about you, too. We had mutual friends and hung out a fair amount, but I know I didn't have your phone number. My first memory of meeting you is actually going to move your car (affectionately known as White Lightning) from the Hume lot, because I think it was a game day weekend or some nonsense like that in which those who actually reside on campus must give up all rights to football fans. The things we do in the name of SEC football.

Anyway, I digress. A few years passed by and due to circumstances somewhat beyond our control (I like to think of it as fate, or we were single and our friends were all shackin' up... I mean, even Kelly had a boyfriend!), we started to take up with each other a lot more. We quickly learned of our shared love of dive bars, $5 AYCD bourbon nights at Balls, putting Britney Spears on the juke box just to piss people off (mixed in with some good Southern rock, of course), and shaking what our mamas gave us at :08, Gator City, and Market Street. Oh yes, we really did not discriminate when it came to cheap booze and good times. I'm not sure if I was a bad influence on you or vice versa. ;)

From our late nights grew a true friendship based on much more than just bourbon. (Although, bourbon has scored me a husband and a BFF, so I do not discredit the power of the sweet honey brown liquor at all.) I mean, I moved in with you for a summer and you went and found a boyfriend (who became your husband), and I still liked you even when I was walking up to Salty Dog and drinking by myself with the bartender. That's saying something right there.

Since then, we've been with each other through thick and thin. Boy drama, first jobs (and subsequent jobs), roommates in the ghetto city, marriages, babies, attempts at babies. I miss living together and seeing you every day and giving each other massages and pulling each others' hair (we're weird... now I make Matt pull my hair sometimes). But, I love where we are in life. I love that we can share in each others' joys and sorrows, triumphs and tribulations, and all the funny little things that happen in between.

You are more than my best friend. You are my family. I love you, Matt, Madelyn, and Davis like you are my blood. You are there for me when I need you most, and at times when you should be worrying more about yourself than anyone else, you amaze me and ask how I am doing. I will never forget when I called you and you were in the hospital with horrible pain (and later gave birth to that miracle boy), and I was so concerned about you, yet you are asking me how my RE appointment went. What!? Hello!!! You are in the ER!!! But, that's just you. I also love that I know that I can tell you anything, and you won't judge. And, I know you feel the same way by the e-mail you sent me the other day. You know what I'm talking about. ;)

I don't know if everyone has a best friend in their lives like you are to me. But, I sure hope so. If not, they are sure missing out.

Cheers to 30 years. The best is yet to come! (And, by the best I mean the girls trip to NYC!!!! And the rest of it too...) :)

P.S.  I promise to get the pics from your party off my camera and send them to you.  Soon.  :)

Oh, the pain.

First of all, http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/.  Is she talking to me?  I think so.

Anywho, ouch.  WOD + projects all day = I hurt in places I didn't know I could hurt.  Like the front of my neck, i.e. the muscle in front of my throat.  Huh?  I am assuming that soreness is a combination of going balls to the wall for three minutes doing situps (82 thankyouverymuch - but trying to pull myself up with my head, apparently) as part of yesterday's WOD and then probably crouching and craning my neck awkwardly as I attempted to strip the paint off the back of Ikea Lots mirrors (fail... but it will happen) and spray painting Ikea Ribba frames.  I was wiped out yesterday, but I could not sleep last night.  Combo of things on my brain (like how I need to take a week off to tackle all of my DIY projects) and sheer pain every time I moved.

In other news, our living room and dining room are painted!  I got some fun things at Scott's Antique Market!  I saw an example of what my antique mirror projects is going to look like (more info here), and it will be worth the effort!  We surprised Jenn on Saturday night with a birthday dinner in her honor!  Dai and AY came into town for said birthday dinner!  Miss America was a really good pageant and they crowned a really pretty girl (congrats, Miss Wisconsin America... now go invest in some waterproof mascara)!  Tim Tebow is still the man (Tim, call me)!  I am getting my hair done after work!  And, that's all the exclamation points I've got for today.  :)