It could've been different...

My sweet cousin miscarried her first pregnancy. In writing how she felt about it after she conceived again, she said that through prayer, she and her husband had come to the realization that the little spirit that was meant for them was not present in that first pregnancy and that's why it was not viable (paraphrasing). I didn't think too much about it at the time and felt it was as good a reason as any to justify something like that.

On Mother's Day, I was talking to one of my best friends and said something about if I had gotten pregnant all the times I wanted to before Greer, particularly referring to the first IVF, I would not have her. It's possible I'd have a daughter named Greer Elizabeth but it wouldn't be her. It was a profound realization that came out of a very ordinary conversation. I literally had never thought of it this way, and it reminded me of my cousin's beautiful writings on her miscarriage and pregnancy. I was so caught up in getting pregnant and having a baby that while I knew that God was going to send us the little spirit that was meant to be our child and He knew who, when, how, etc, there is no way I could have possibly understood that until now... now that I know her and I cannot dream of a different child. She is perfect for us, and God knew this. His plans are always greater than mine, even when I question them like an impatient child. We can't possibly understand Him fully... He's so far beyond what we are. We may be created in His image, but we are not Him, and thank God (pun intended) for that! We would never get the full glory of His plans for us if we were fully in charge.

If you are struggling with anything now and questioning God, I get it. And it sucks. But when His plans for you have been fulfilled in this matter, I hope you have the type of realization I did this weekend and praise Him for the process. I hope you're able to praise Him for the process where ever you are in it, but if anyone realizes how hard that is, I do! There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning... and oh how sweet it is.

It could've been different, and thank God it wasn't.

Also, something I never shared... http://jennylaurenphotography.myshowit.com/greer/index.html.  Love.

That dolla make me holla

So, no idea where that post title came from, but whatevs.  I don't even watch that crap show!  We got our test results back, and our risk factor went from 1 in 61 to 1 in 10,000!  Praise the Lord!  Like I said before, and I can't stress this enough, if our baby has Down syndrome or any other number of things that could be, it doesn't change anything.  But, obviously, no one wishes for these things either.  So, needless to say, we were surprised the results came so quickly and relieved to have a better answer and hopefully put this behind us.

When Matt and I took the dogs for a walk Wednesday night, he said he'd had a very vivid dream that we got the results back and we were very happy.  And then he said all day yesterday, he was wondering if I'd heard anything because the dream was just so much more vivid than usual.  I guess I'm passing off some of my psychic abilities to him.  ;)

Anyway, thank you for your continued prayers.  I know they helped sustain us during the waiting period.  Here's to hoping the rest of my pregnancy is uneventful!!!  If I can be praying anything for you, please let me know.  xoxoxoxo

All over the place

That is the best way I can think of to describe my emotional state over the last six days.  Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine most of the time.  I am not generally sitting around dwelling on what might or might not be.  But, the devil attacks when you are weak and vulnerable.  And, boy, has he been on the attack.

First, please understand that I am still over the moon thrilled and excited and eternally grateful that as far as we can tell, we have a healthy baby in there... extra chromosome or not.  But, I can't help but play the various scenarios over in my head.  Like, I know that if things come back either inconclusive or positive for DS, the genetic counselor is going to be the one to call.  If everything looks good, it will likely be a nurse.  So, I know when that number shows up on my phone, my heart is going to drop into my stomach and even moreso once I hear whose voice is on the other end.  Matt has also informed me that I cannot relay the news to him (either way) until we are both together in person, meaning it could be something I have to sit with all day, good or "bad".  I also have really no idea when I will hear anything except that it will be between one and two weeks.  I am not counting on hearing anything until next week, but that's also another unknown that I've been playing over like will I need to leave work if the news is not what we hope or will I be okay?  And, I just go from thinking that s(he) definitely does not have Down syndrome and it's just a case of a false alarm to the opposite end of the spectrum.

The thing that is really bothering me is that I know the devil is coming after me, just like he has done many times throughout this whole journey.  And, it usually happens as I'm trying to go to bed or in the middle of the night.  Last night I was thinking about things before I went to bed, but it wasn't really a big deal.  I fell asleep relatively quickly for a Sunday night.  But, I woke up at 2:00 out of nowhere and just had all of this anxiety... thinking about what it would be like if our baby has DS, how I would tell Matt, how he would handle it, that we really need to get life insurance, playing through the scenario if I hear that everything is totally fine, etc.  I literally was all over the place with various anxieties.  I prayed and prayed and prayed that the Lord would calm my mind and my heart and just prepare us for whatever was ahead, and He did eventually, but it was a struggle.  And, needless to say, I am just plain pooped today.

In the grand scheme of things, I am at peace with this, but I just want to know one way or the other.  I don't think I really need to say it, but we don't want our child to have Down syndrome (duh).  But, I know that God has a plan for us, and I will accept and embrace whatever that is just like I've tried to do throughout the 30 and a half years of my life.  I can think of many worse things than having a child with an extra chromosome, but it is still not what you dream about... and it's not about the baby, it's all about our dreams and our expectations.  But, the what ifs get you nowhere.  If I truly trust in Jesus, and I do, then the worry is absolutely pointless and not a testament of my faith.  I will not let the devil get the best of me.

I have been praying Philippians 4:6-7, Jeremiah 29:11, and Psalm 139:14 among others, including the verse I've claimed for myself and my life, 2 Corinthians 5:7.  And, I hope this hasn't come across as whiny, because that is not how I intend it... I don't feel sorry for myself at all.  It's just where I am in processing this part of our journey, for better or worse!  And, although I can't tell you where I stand emotionally, I can tell you one thing for sure; I already love this baby with all I have, and I know that love is only going to grow.

Just What I Needed

Last night I "prayed" (really, more like just putting it out into the world, because this is not something I felt the need to put on God) that we would get our appraisal back (the new one) and it would be good (i.e., what we needed... good would be to say that everything we've spent on our house has tacked on to what we paid for it).  :)

BAM!  Woke up this morning, checked the ol' e-mail and there it is... do I open it and possibly ruin my day?  But, if it's good, then I'll have a super day.  When I saw the appraised value, the heavens opened and a light shone down upon me and the choir of angels in my head began singing, "Hallelujah!"  Now, we can refinance!  {happy dance}

Plus, next week our new built-ins are going in, we just got a quote on painting that is excellent, Capella Kincheloe is escorting me to Scott's Antique Market to get all kinds of fun stuff for her beautiful design for our home, and I'm confident we can have it all put together by mid-February (with some hard work and $, but it can be done).  Things are looking up.  :)

Memere Update

I spoke to Memere this weekend, and she seemed a bit lethargic but in good spirits. She's a trooper. She's had a couple rounds of dialysis, and so far, I guess it's been going good. She's still having breathing issues (shortness of breath), and it is my understanding that they will continue dialysis daily until the fluid begins to regulate and she's in a more "stable" condition. She's also having an EKG today, so we'll see what that tells the doctors.

My cousin Eric just got out of the Navy a few weeks ago, so my brother helped him move from Jacksonville to St. Pete this weekend. They stopped in to see Memere for a while, and this morning, she remembered that Eric and Steve stopped by and that Eric was living in St. Pete again. That is good news! Her dementia mostly affects her short term memory, so it's always good to hear something like that.

It's crazy that all of this is going on with her, because when you meet her, it's not like you would even think she was sick. She definitely doesn't have the same spunk she did a few years ago, but she's seemingly healthy and lives independently (with frequent visitors to check up on her). The breathing problems certainly change the sickly factor, but she's still got plenty of life left in her, which is why she chose to do dialysis.

Keep praying!!

Please Pray

Thanksgiving 2008

My grandmother, Memere, was admitted to the hospital last night because she was having breathing troubles. This has been going on for some time, but it got bad enough that her doctor told my aunt to take her to the ER. They ran some tests this morning and found that she has fluid in her lungs and around her heart and are keeping her until mid-week next week. She has poor kidney function, which we've also known about for some time, and they believe her kidneys' inability to regulate the fluid in her body has caused this. She has already had the procedure done so that she would be ready for dialysis whenever the time came, and now it's here. Both my aunt and her home health nurse will be trained to administer dialysis so that she does not have to go to a center for treatment and can do it from home.

Memere (French for grandma) is such an incredibly strong woman; it's so hard to see her going through the health struggles as she has been. In addition to all of this, she has some form of dementia, which has been very tough for her to deal with. This is a woman who lost her husband prematurely and had six children, five who were still at home. She took over the family business and ran it successfully until she sold it around 2000 (that means she retired in her early 70s). She's so incredibly independent (she never remarried), so it is so hard for her to not be able to get up and go and to have to rely on people to do a lot for her. She knows her mind isn't what it used to be (in a big way). She also just lost her last living sister last week. She has two brothers that are still alive out of 13 siblings. She also has 14 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren, a few grandchildren-in-laws, and lots of other family and friends who respect and love her deeply.

I request your prayers specifically for the following things:

• The fluid in her lungs and around her heart disappears.
• Her comfort and spirits through her hospital admission.
• My aunt and her home health nurse successfully learn how to administer her dialysis treatments.
• Dialysis substantially improves her quality of life by giving her kidneys the ability to regulate the fluid in her body.
• Her memory does not continue to deteriorate to the point that she is unable to live independently.

We know that we will lose her one day, but we'd just like to keep her around as long as she's happy and comfortable. She is amazing.