That is the best way I can think of to describe my emotional state over the last six days. Don't get me wrong, I am perfectly fine most of the time. I am not generally sitting around dwelling on what might or might not be. But, the devil attacks when you are weak and vulnerable. And, boy, has he been on the attack.
First, please understand that I am still over the moon thrilled and excited and eternally grateful that as far as we can tell, we have a healthy baby in there... extra chromosome or not. But, I can't help but play the various scenarios over in my head. Like, I know that if things come back either inconclusive or positive for DS, the genetic counselor is going to be the one to call. If everything looks good, it will likely be a nurse. So, I know when that number shows up on my phone, my heart is going to drop into my stomach and even moreso once I hear whose voice is on the other end. Matt has also informed me that I cannot relay the news to him (either way) until we are both together in person, meaning it could be something I have to sit with all day, good or "bad". I also have really no idea when I will hear anything except that it will be between one and two weeks. I am not counting on hearing anything until next week, but that's also another unknown that I've been playing over like will I need to leave work if the news is not what we hope or will I be okay? And, I just go from thinking that s(he) definitely does not have Down syndrome and it's just a case of a false alarm to the opposite end of the spectrum.
The thing that is really bothering me is that I know the devil is coming after me, just like he has done many times throughout this whole journey. And, it usually happens as I'm trying to go to bed or in the middle of the night. Last night I was thinking about things before I went to bed, but it wasn't really a big deal. I fell asleep relatively quickly for a Sunday night. But, I woke up at 2:00 out of nowhere and just had all of this anxiety... thinking about what it would be like if our baby has DS, how I would tell Matt, how he would handle it, that we really need to get life insurance, playing through the scenario if I hear that everything is totally fine, etc. I literally was all over the place with various anxieties. I prayed and prayed and prayed that the Lord would calm my mind and my heart and just prepare us for whatever was ahead, and He did eventually, but it was a struggle. And, needless to say, I am just plain pooped today.
In the grand scheme of things, I am at peace with this, but I just want to know one way or the other. I don't think I really need to say it, but we don't want our child to have Down syndrome (duh). But, I know that God has a plan for us, and I will accept and embrace whatever that is just like I've tried to do throughout the 30 and a half years of my life. I can think of many worse things than having a child with an extra chromosome, but it is still not what you dream about... and it's not about the baby, it's all about our dreams and our expectations. But, the what ifs get you nowhere. If I truly trust in Jesus, and I do, then the worry is absolutely pointless and not a testament of my faith. I will not let the devil get the best of me.
I have been praying Philippians 4:6-7, Jeremiah 29:11, and Psalm 139:14 among others, including the verse I've claimed for myself and my life, 2 Corinthians 5:7. And, I hope this hasn't come across as whiny, because that is not how I intend it... I don't feel sorry for myself at all. It's just where I am in processing this part of our journey, for better or worse! And, although I can't tell you where I stand emotionally, I can tell you one thing for sure; I already love this baby with all I have, and I know that love is only going to grow.