Wednesday, March 28, 2012


Our dogs are so spoiled.  I mean, they do get locked in the bathroom all day because apparently they cannot be trusted to roam the house, but besides that, they are lucky dogs.  They get treats and lots of love and walks and playing fetch.  And, I am definitely a dog mom.  I don't want to board them or leave them longer than I have to.  So, they get to come on my birthday trip with us to Asheville.  So spoiled!  (It's also cheaper to bring them than to board them, so easy choice!)

Max was letting me know how much he loved me.
Look how cute they are.  How could we possibly leave them behind!?

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


That was how Jenn described it, and it is really the best adjective to use, I think.  We certainly aren't lucky, because if we were lucky, we wouldn't be dealing with infertility nonsense in the first place.  But we are certainly fortunate that this predicament we've found ourselves in has been made much easier financially thanks to Matt's insurance policy.

If you recall, I was laid off in January 2011.  Although I thoroughly enjoyed my extended vacation and was not upset about being laid off, I do have to work so it wasn't all peachy (as in, we cannot afford to live on one income).  Because that is considered a life changing event, Matt was able to add me to his insurance policy, which made me being laid off the best thing ever.  His insurance is amazing.  And, we had no idea just how amazing it was until late last year when we began seeing an RE thinking anything we did would be 100% out of pocket.

While I have certainly appreciated our insurance in the past, I never thought we'd have to do IVF, so I didn't really appreciate it as much as I do now.  I haven't had to take any drugs, because my body does what it's supposed to do and I produce healthy (as far as we can tell) eggs.  So, even if we were paying for our IUIs, they wouldn't really have been that much anyway.  But, wow is IVF another story.  Again, because I appear to be healthy for all intents and purposes, my IVF protocol is "easy" compared to most.  So, while I may not fall into the $4,000 for drugs alone costs that I've heard about, they would be significantly more than I'm paying.  Shoot, I've paid more for a pair of shoes (although only once) or a really nice dinner out than my entire IVF drug protocol.  And, since my hysteroscopy, trial transfer, and baseline tests are all coming up within the next two weeks, we had to go ahead and pay our IVF fee yesterday.  I joked with Matt last night on our walk that instead of buying myself a Louis Vuitton purse for my 30th birthday, I'm (hopefully) buying us a baby.  ;)  There is absolutely no way we'd even be going down this path at all if it weren't for his insurance.  Maybe eventually, but certainly not so "soon."  We don't know if it would ever happen on its own (maybe we have some freak thing going on where his sperm just cannot permeate my eggs on their own... no clue), and because of our good fortune, we don't have to wait and see.

So, while I still wish I could speed up the process a little so there was more cushion between a potential transfer and my trip (I really don't understand why they won't let me start the meds on the 30th or 31st... I know, cry me a river), I'm just going to take it for what it is, bask in our good fortune that we even have this opportunity, and go along for the ride (oh, and cross my fingers, say lots of prayers, etc etc etc).  The thought that I could have a baby growing inside me in less than a month is more than I can comprehend.  (And, I can't let my brain go to the other option.)  Operation baby-making - inhabit the uterus for 38 weeks is underway.  And, although I wish it hadn't come to this, I am so incredibly thankful that we have this option.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Timing can be a lot of things... impeccable, bad, unfortunate, good, and out of your control.

I was once again reminded yesterday how not in control of this situation I am.  I wasn't sure if I was going to share this on the blog, but for some reason, now I'm feeling like I just need to write and get it out there.  After three unsuccessful IUIs, we determined that IVF was going to be our best shot at getting pregnant.  Several things factored into moving forward with something so extreme without having tried other options... amazing insurance, not knowing why we haven't gotten pregnant (it's not anything they can test for), being "ready", wanting to be able to control twinning to some extent (as opposed to using medications that would give me more eggs for a better shot with IUI).

We haven't done anything since our last IUI in December.  We decided in January that we were going to do IVF, so we've just been playing the waiting game until then (and giving it a couple of last ditch efforts on our own).  I knew roughly when I would start my period, roughly how long I would be on all the meds, and could pinpoint our retrieval and transfer within a few days.  Well, I started my period yesterday and called the doctor to get everything scheduled, and my world was rocked.  (Emphasis on the dramatic, here.)

I expected to know if I was pregnant within a month or so, and now, I won't even being doing a transfer for a least a month.  See, my doctors failed to tell me that their lab was doing quality control testing at the end of March.  Precisely when I would be needing them.  Then, they proceed to tell me that everything is booked on April 1 and 2, so they can't get me in for baseline testing until April 4, which would put a transfer possibly DURING my girls trip to NYC, at which time I expected that I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Cue me starting to freak out, and if you know me, I really don't have a penchants for freaking out about much.  I held it together on the phone with the nurse, but I lost it when I talked to my mom and my BFF and finally Matt when he got home.  (As an aside, they are trying to squeeze me in on the 2nd.)

Trust me, I realize the dramatics of it all.  I mean, big friggin' deal... everything is pushed out a couple of weeks from what I thought.  It's just that in all of this, I thought I had some little tiny bit of control over when this would happen... I had it all planned in my head, I knew what (to some extent) was coming and when.  And, bam.  I am looking forward to this trip like I haven't looked forward to something in awhile.  And part of that would be either celebrating a pregnancy or drowning my sorrows in Bloody Marys over brunch with my best friends.  So, if I end up doing a transfer right before we go, do I really want to be running around the streets of NY for four days?  My plans were to kick my feet up and work from home and CHILL for a few days afterwards, and give that embryo the best chance I can.  My plans...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that a trip to NY or sitting on my derriere with my feet up will not matter.  If it's God's timing and His plan, it is going to happen.  No amount of my own planning is going to change that, and this was just another not so gentle reminder that I need to give up control.  I keep saying that I'm putting it on Jesus, and I am trying to do that, to let Him bear my burden, but I am not always successful.  I've prayed that if this is not the answer, somehow shut the door.  I've prayed for peace, comfort, grace, faith, a baby, perspective... you name it.

Amy posted this verse on her blog a couple of weeks ago, and it just rang so true for me.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." Habakkuk 2:3
I know that when we have our precious bundle of joy, in whatever way he or she comes to us, it truly will NOT be late by a single day.  I am sure their much longer wait than we've had is seeming so inconsequential at this point (except for all they've gained along the way), as they prepare to bring home their daughter.

On the subject of timing, when Matt finally got home last night, he brought in the mail and a sweet note one of my sweet neighbors dropped in our mailbox.  And, it really was impeccable timing.  Thank you, Molly.  Your words meant a lot to me, and I am anxiously awaiting a pink or blue balloon on your mailbox.  :)  P.S.  Matt and I had a discussion about how cute you are... haha, Matt doesn't usually use the word cute, but seriously... you take 40 weeks pregnant to a whole new level.

To bring some perspective back into the picture, I spent time in prayer last night only giving thanks for what I have, like the fact that I was crying over scheduling IVF rather than not being able to afford this opportunity.  It doesn't fully take away the pain of waiting or not knowing why this is happening the way it is or why it seems that we are "tested" maybe more than most, but it is a reminder of how much I have to be grateful for.  And, how God's timing in my life has worked out alright so far.

Thursday, March 1, 2012


My six year old nephew, James, is the smartest Kindergartener I know.  Plus, he is so stinking cute and sweet that I just want to steal him.  He called me the other night, and this is how our conversation went.

Me:  Hello?
James:  Aunt Kristin!
Me: (Surprised, because I expected his momma on the other end.) Hi James!  How are you?
James:  Aunt Kristin, guess what.  I read the book you got me when I was a baby.
Me:  (Confused, though I know I certainly have gotten him many books, I don't know which one.)  You did?  What book was that?
James:  The Little Engine That CouldIt was the first book I ever got.  You gave it to me when I was a baby and you wrote a note in the front.
Me:  I did(??)!!!  Wow.  That is so awesome.  And you read it?
James:  Yep, I read it by myself and the note too.
Me:  Well, what did the note say?
James:  Oh, hold on... (goes to get book)... "Christmas two hundred... I mean two thousand seven.  Dear James, You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.  Don't ever give up.  Love, Aunt Kristin"
Me:  (basically in tears at this point)  James!!!  That is so amazing.  I cannot believe you read that and read the book.  You are so smart.

More conversation ensues, and then I talk to Christine (his momma) and proceed to tell her how that just made my night.  Seriously, he is SIX!!!!!!!!!!  And, he read The Little Engine That Could, which has a lot of big words in it like merrily and steadily AND HE READ THOSE WORDS!  Apparently, the other kids in his class are reading Level 1 and 2 books and he's reading Level 3.  His teacher calls him her little reader.  I could not be more proud, as you can tell.  I hope they test him for Gifted!  That was always the best day of my week in elementary school.  (As a side note, he was born in January 2006 and I am certain that was not the first book I gave him, or that anyone else gave him for that matter.)  :)

Such a boy.