Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Timing

Timing can be a lot of things... impeccable, bad, unfortunate, good, and out of your control.

I was once again reminded yesterday how not in control of this situation I am.  I wasn't sure if I was going to share this on the blog, but for some reason, now I'm feeling like I just need to write and get it out there.  After three unsuccessful IUIs, we determined that IVF was going to be our best shot at getting pregnant.  Several things factored into moving forward with something so extreme without having tried other options... amazing insurance, not knowing why we haven't gotten pregnant (it's not anything they can test for), being "ready", wanting to be able to control twinning to some extent (as opposed to using medications that would give me more eggs for a better shot with IUI).

We haven't done anything since our last IUI in December.  We decided in January that we were going to do IVF, so we've just been playing the waiting game until then (and giving it a couple of last ditch efforts on our own).  I knew roughly when I would start my period, roughly how long I would be on all the meds, and could pinpoint our retrieval and transfer within a few days.  Well, I started my period yesterday and called the doctor to get everything scheduled, and my world was rocked.  (Emphasis on the dramatic, here.)

I expected to know if I was pregnant within a month or so, and now, I won't even being doing a transfer for a least a month.  See, my doctors failed to tell me that their lab was doing quality control testing at the end of March.  Precisely when I would be needing them.  Then, they proceed to tell me that everything is booked on April 1 and 2, so they can't get me in for baseline testing until April 4, which would put a transfer possibly DURING my girls trip to NYC, at which time I expected that I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Cue me starting to freak out, and if you know me, I really don't have a penchants for freaking out about much.  I held it together on the phone with the nurse, but I lost it when I talked to my mom and my BFF and finally Matt when he got home.  (As an aside, they are trying to squeeze me in on the 2nd.)

Trust me, I realize the dramatics of it all.  I mean, big friggin' deal... everything is pushed out a couple of weeks from what I thought.  It's just that in all of this, I thought I had some little tiny bit of control over when this would happen... I had it all planned in my head, I knew what (to some extent) was coming and when.  And, bam.  I am looking forward to this trip like I haven't looked forward to something in awhile.  And part of that would be either celebrating a pregnancy or drowning my sorrows in Bloody Marys over brunch with my best friends.  So, if I end up doing a transfer right before we go, do I really want to be running around the streets of NY for four days?  My plans were to kick my feet up and work from home and CHILL for a few days afterwards, and give that embryo the best chance I can.  My plans...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that a trip to NY or sitting on my derriere with my feet up will not matter.  If it's God's timing and His plan, it is going to happen.  No amount of my own planning is going to change that, and this was just another not so gentle reminder that I need to give up control.  I keep saying that I'm putting it on Jesus, and I am trying to do that, to let Him bear my burden, but I am not always successful.  I've prayed that if this is not the answer, somehow shut the door.  I've prayed for peace, comfort, grace, faith, a baby, perspective... you name it.

Amy posted this verse on her blog a couple of weeks ago, and it just rang so true for me.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." Habakkuk 2:3
I know that when we have our precious bundle of joy, in whatever way he or she comes to us, it truly will NOT be late by a single day.  I am sure their much longer wait than we've had is seeming so inconsequential at this point (except for all they've gained along the way), as they prepare to bring home their daughter.

On the subject of timing, when Matt finally got home last night, he brought in the mail and a sweet note one of my sweet neighbors dropped in our mailbox.  And, it really was impeccable timing.  Thank you, Molly.  Your words meant a lot to me, and I am anxiously awaiting a pink or blue balloon on your mailbox.  :)  P.S.  Matt and I had a discussion about how cute you are... haha, Matt doesn't usually use the word cute, but seriously... you take 40 weeks pregnant to a whole new level.

To bring some perspective back into the picture, I spent time in prayer last night only giving thanks for what I have, like the fact that I was crying over scheduling IVF rather than not being able to afford this opportunity.  It doesn't fully take away the pain of waiting or not knowing why this is happening the way it is or why it seems that we are "tested" maybe more than most, but it is a reminder of how much I have to be grateful for.  And, how God's timing in my life has worked out alright so far.

5 comments:

AEOT said...

It's never easy to wait for anything. Though we may be adults, when we want something badly, we're no better than toddlers. Patience is hard and I give everyone credit who is patiently waiting for anything. Relying on God and WAITING for God are tough and I'm so proud of you for just living it out. I'll continue praying for you and Matt and your one day to be yours (ALL yours, tantrums and all!!) sweet, precious bundle of joy!

Anonymous said...

Kristin,

I found your blog from Amy's at Chapters. I just want to let you know that you are not alone and God's timing is/will be perfect. I am in a similar situation and know the frustrations of it all. TTC for almost 2 years, "unexplained infertility", 3 failed IUIs (our last one was in the fall) now IVF which we are planning on doing in may/june. Infertility just plain sucks, its mentally exhausting and a strain on a marriage, but at the same time I have realized that it has brought me closer to God and deepened my relationship with my husband. I pray that you find the perfect time for IVF and that if it's God's will that you get that little baby from it that you have always dreamed of.

Jess

Molly Hargather said...

Again, no words, but thank you for your sweet words. Cute is not a word I think of when you're about as big as a barge, but I'll take what I can get at this point!!

CrysHouse said...

Visiting from Kelly's Korner. Thanks for the verse--I'm going to put it on my desk and read it regularly.

Sara Glomski said...

Hey Kristin, love your honesty and perspective on your journey. Thanks for sharing, I loved the Bible verse and passed it along to others who would benefit from hearing it. :)
Sara