It's time

Work has been super busy, as has life, so I have not had a chance to sit down and blog about IVF thus far.  I have sent a few e-mails to friends, so for simplicity sake, I am just copying and pasting them below along with the date so I can record this time.

April 2, 2012
Ladies, it's officially go time for Operation Baby O.  For real this time... the rest of the last year and a half was just practice, apparently. 

Tonight I will begin ovarian stimulation in hopes of producing many lovely eggs.  I will inject 100 IUs of follistim and 1 unit of menopur (don't worry, I don't really know what that means either) every night for the next 8-12 nights.  I go in Saturday for my first bloodwork and ultrasound to see how things are progressing.  Assuming everything seems good, I'll go back Monday morning but it's possible I could go back Sunday depending on how things look.  Once my eggs are about 16mm (>20mm to "harvest"), I will add ganirelix, which is the antagonist.  This will allow my eggs to keep growing but will keep me from ovulating prematurely.  Once they add this, I will be on it for three days and then it will be time for my hCg shot, which is followed by pre-op the next day and then retrieval the following day. 

More than likely, I will have retrieval on the 12th or 13th but it could be a few days earlier or later.  When they do retrieval, I will be put under general anesthesia, and then will insert a very long needle (guided by ultrasoud) through my vaginal wall and into my ovaries to retrieve the eggs (sounds pleasant, huh... that's why you get drugs).  Matt will also make his deposit at this time, then we pray that we get lots of Grade A embryos!  (Not kidding, they grade them and being the overachiever that I am, I expect nothing less than straight A's.) 

After the retrieval, I have to start progesterone injections right in my butt with a needle that sort of scares the bejeezus out of me (in addition to estradiol orally... I don't even know what that does but I just do what I'm told).  Apparently, this is going to be a lot of fun.  I have determined that I can handle the right side, but the left side is tricky, which means Matt will have to do that side.  This scares me even more.  Pray for us.

We are doing a blastocyst transfer, which means we let those babies mature for five days in the lab (and get pictures of the cell division along the way... Baby Olson's first glamour shots?) before he or she goes back in me for a 38-week stint in lockdown.  So, retrieval day is day 0 and day 5 will be the transfer of our future child.  It's all very scientific and mind blowing, really.  If all goes as planned, I will know that I'm pregnant by the end of the month.  If it doesn't go as planned, send lots of reinforcements, and by reinforcements, I mean wine and twizzlers.

If you could keep us in your prayers over the next few weeks, we'd sure appreciate it.  I like to make light of it, but as we all know, this is a pretty big deal and will hopefully be the beginning of a majorly wonderful and wonderfully major life change for us.  But, whatever happens, I am just trying to put my hope, trust, and faith in the good Lord who I know hears my prayers and will grant them in His perfect time.  I've been leaning on this verse lately...

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the  time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient!  For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk  2:3

I know the vision will be fulfilled, and when it is, it will not be late.

Thank you for supporting us and I will keep you updated as things progress.  Now off to play human pin cushion!

xo

April 7
Well, speaking of overachieving, my ovaries are winning that award. In the words of the doctor today, "it's not often that I can't remember if I've already counted that follicle." I don't even know what the final number was but I had a lot of follicles ranging from 11-16mm, most were 12-14mm. This is good, but it's also fast. All my bloodwork looked good though. So I've dropped my follistim dose to 50 IUs (half of what I had been doing) and added the ganirelix (to keep everything growing but keep me from ovulating).

I go back Monday, and more than likely, Wed will be retrieval day. I will know for sure on Monday. This would put the transfer next Monday.

As for how I've done with the meds, the shots have been easy so far (big needle in the butt doesn't come until next week). I have had no side effects except some tenderness in my ovaries, which isn't surprising given what we saw today! So, other than the fact that I wish we had gotten pregnant on our own a year ago, I don't have any major complaints.

I will update Monday after my appointment. Happy Easter!
xo
KO

April 9
Well, it's good news and possibly not great news.  The good news is that my sleepless nights are almost over (for the time being).  Since going off the pill, I've realized that right before I ovulate and start my period, I sleep very restlessly.  So, I guess it's no surprise that excess levels of FSH and LH have the same effect.  Also, I was a little worried about timing w/ my NY girls trip on the 22nd, but there's a chance I will know I'm pregnant before said trip (as opposed to doing a transfer too close for comfort to the trip).  The not so good news is while I have a ton of follicles, we might not get as many mature eggs as I thought.

At my appointment this morning, the first thing the ARNP said was, "Wow, your ovaries are big!"  I believe she also remarked that my uterine lining was beautiful with a nice triple stripe.  She concluded by saying I had nice ovaries.  It sure is nice to be paid such compliments on your female anatomy.  ;)  I had several follicles that were 20mm (i.e., ready to go) and several more than were close.  I also had many more that were still less than 16mm and thus not so mature (and likely won't mature before retrieval).  They wanted to try to eek another day out of me to get those ones bigger, but no such luck according to my lab results.  So, tonight at 9:30 I do my hCg shot (no more of the other meds) and tomorrow I go for my pre-op.  Then Wednesday at 8:30 am is the retrieval, which puts a transfer (God willing) on Monday.

I am definitely anxious, especially since there aren't as many big eggs as we'd like, but hey... we only need one embryo to make a baby!  I know it's in God's hands and if it's meant to be, it will happen no matter how many embryos we get.

Please say a prayer for the procedure, as I will be going under anesthesia.  And, obviously, a prayer that this is our time.  One thing I've wrestled with a teeny bit is whether I/we are trying to play God by doing this, but I truly feel like God has only opened doors and not shut them in this process.  I mean, going into it, we had NO IDEA that our insurance had fertility coverage.  I can't imagine dealing with the heartache of longing for a child and not being able to afford options to get there, so I feel very fortunate.  And, I think where something like this might push people away from their faith or away from their spouse, Matt and I have only opened our hearts more to Jesus and grown closer to each other.  Sure, I would have loved to skip all of this and gotten pregnant right away, but I know that He shapes us through hardships  (James Chapter 1 - straight up wisdom, y'all) and I know He is working in us.  God knows we both talk to Him a heck of a lot more than we used to, and I, for one, am better for it.  And, I've found more opportunities to share my faith and be comfortable in sharing my faith over the past 6 months than the previous 29.5 years.

And shoot, our child will NEVER doubt how much we loved, prayed, and wished for him/her.

With love and anticipation,
Kristin

Side note: I just found out at pre-op this morning that a Day 3 transfer is still possible.  It depends how many embryos are progressing well as to whether or not they will let us go to Day 5.  So, a Saturday transfer is also a possibility at this point and we won't know which we're doing until early Saturday morning when the embryologist calls us.  I have my fingers crossed for Day 5!

Lucky Rabbit?

You probably had a lucky rabbit's foot at some time in your life.  I know I had several (and thinking about it now, it's really pretty gross... I sure hope they weren't real).  Well, I can now one up that... I have a lucky rabbit.  Meet Jack.

This was after I found Jack (for the second time) hopping around my back yard (like the sweet bathrobe I've had since freshman year of college?).  We actually found him the night before, and he let me pick him right up.  Due to unfortunate circumstances (my 3-1/2 and 10 year old neighbors), he jumped out of my arms and hid.  But, lo and behold, he was right back eating our grass the next morning and once again, let me pick him up.

Now, I don't have a lot of experience with pet bunnies, but in the experience I do have, they typically are not super friendly.  They might let you play with them for a little bit, but then they might nibble on you and try to get away.  Not this guy.  He is so soft and sweet and squishy and lovable and huggable and downright adorable.  And, right in time for Easter!  What are the odds?

I sent out an APB on our neighborhood listserve, and no one has claimed him.  It's Spring Break here in Atlanta, so I'm thinking someone doesn't even know he's missing because they are out of town (and don't get our neighborhood e-mail) or he was set free.  Either way, we're holding onto him until Monday (when people should be back), and if no one has claimed him, we've got some neighbors with a female bunny who, why unbeknownst to me, want a male bunny.  And, he'll have a good home there with a huge area to roam free, three little girls to love on him, and a playmate.  No pun intended.

It's also funny to me that he showed up (or more accurately, we saw him) mere minutes after I officially started my IVF regimen.  I didn't think about it at the time, but someone who has no idea what we're even going through at the moment said he was good luck, so I am just fine considering him our lucky sign.  (And, on that note... two days of shots down and all is good... I'm sure I'll post more soon.)

So, until his owners step up or Monday rolls around, we've got a little friend to play with... and make the dogs insanely jealous.

Jack's no dumb bunny.  Maddie wants to play.

And he jumps.  Pretty sure he wanted to escape.  Sorry guy.  You're too cute to be eaten by an owl or a hawk.

Spoiled

Our dogs are so spoiled.  I mean, they do get locked in the bathroom all day because apparently they cannot be trusted to roam the house, but besides that, they are lucky dogs.  They get treats and lots of love and walks and playing fetch.  And, I am definitely a dog mom.  I don't want to board them or leave them longer than I have to.  So, they get to come on my birthday trip with us to Asheville.  So spoiled!  (It's also cheaper to bring them than to board them, so easy choice!)

Max was letting me know how much he loved me.

Look how cute they are.  How could we possibly leave them behind!?

Fortunate

That was how Jenn described it, and it is really the best adjective to use, I think.  We certainly aren't lucky, because if we were lucky, we wouldn't be dealing with infertility nonsense in the first place.  But we are certainly fortunate that this predicament we've found ourselves in has been made much easier financially thanks to Matt's insurance policy.

If you recall, I was laid off in January 2011.  Although I thoroughly enjoyed my extended vacation and was not upset about being laid off, I do have to work so it wasn't all peachy (as in, we cannot afford to live on one income).  Because that is considered a life changing event, Matt was able to add me to his insurance policy, which made me being laid off the best thing ever.  His insurance is amazing.  And, we had no idea just how amazing it was until late last year when we began seeing an RE thinking anything we did would be 100% out of pocket.

While I have certainly appreciated our insurance in the past, I never thought we'd have to do IVF, so I didn't really appreciate it as much as I do now.  I haven't had to take any drugs, because my body does what it's supposed to do and I produce healthy (as far as we can tell) eggs.  So, even if we were paying for our IUIs, they wouldn't really have been that much anyway.  But, wow is IVF another story.  Again, because I appear to be healthy for all intents and purposes, my IVF protocol is "easy" compared to most.  So, while I may not fall into the $4,000 for drugs alone costs that I've heard about, they would be significantly more than I'm paying.  Shoot, I've paid more for a pair of shoes (although only once) or a really nice dinner out than my entire IVF drug protocol.  And, since my hysteroscopy, trial transfer, and baseline tests are all coming up within the next two weeks, we had to go ahead and pay our IVF fee yesterday.  I joked with Matt last night on our walk that instead of buying myself a Louis Vuitton purse for my 30th birthday, I'm (hopefully) buying us a baby.  ;)  There is absolutely no way we'd even be going down this path at all if it weren't for his insurance.  Maybe eventually, but certainly not so "soon."  We don't know if it would ever happen on its own (maybe we have some freak thing going on where his sperm just cannot permeate my eggs on their own... no clue), and because of our good fortune, we don't have to wait and see.

So, while I still wish I could speed up the process a little so there was more cushion between a potential transfer and my trip (I really don't understand why they won't let me start the meds on the 30th or 31st... I know, cry me a river), I'm just going to take it for what it is, bask in our good fortune that we even have this opportunity, and go along for the ride (oh, and cross my fingers, say lots of prayers, etc etc etc).  The thought that I could have a baby growing inside me in less than a month is more than I can comprehend.  (And, I can't let my brain go to the other option.)  Operation baby-making - inhabit the uterus for 38 weeks is underway.  And, although I wish it hadn't come to this, I am so incredibly thankful that we have this option.

Timing

Timing can be a lot of things... impeccable, bad, unfortunate, good, and out of your control.

I was once again reminded yesterday how not in control of this situation I am.  I wasn't sure if I was going to share this on the blog, but for some reason, now I'm feeling like I just need to write and get it out there.  After three unsuccessful IUIs, we determined that IVF was going to be our best shot at getting pregnant.  Several things factored into moving forward with something so extreme without having tried other options... amazing insurance, not knowing why we haven't gotten pregnant (it's not anything they can test for), being "ready", wanting to be able to control twinning to some extent (as opposed to using medications that would give me more eggs for a better shot with IUI).

We haven't done anything since our last IUI in December.  We decided in January that we were going to do IVF, so we've just been playing the waiting game until then (and giving it a couple of last ditch efforts on our own).  I knew roughly when I would start my period, roughly how long I would be on all the meds, and could pinpoint our retrieval and transfer within a few days.  Well, I started my period yesterday and called the doctor to get everything scheduled, and my world was rocked.  (Emphasis on the dramatic, here.)

I expected to know if I was pregnant within a month or so, and now, I won't even being doing a transfer for a least a month.  See, my doctors failed to tell me that their lab was doing quality control testing at the end of March.  Precisely when I would be needing them.  Then, they proceed to tell me that everything is booked on April 1 and 2, so they can't get me in for baseline testing until April 4, which would put a transfer possibly DURING my girls trip to NYC, at which time I expected that I would know if I was pregnant or not.  Cue me starting to freak out, and if you know me, I really don't have a penchants for freaking out about much.  I held it together on the phone with the nurse, but I lost it when I talked to my mom and my BFF and finally Matt when he got home.  (As an aside, they are trying to squeeze me in on the 2nd.)

Trust me, I realize the dramatics of it all.  I mean, big friggin' deal... everything is pushed out a couple of weeks from what I thought.  It's just that in all of this, I thought I had some little tiny bit of control over when this would happen... I had it all planned in my head, I knew what (to some extent) was coming and when.  And, bam.  I am looking forward to this trip like I haven't looked forward to something in awhile.  And part of that would be either celebrating a pregnancy or drowning my sorrows in Bloody Marys over brunch with my best friends.  So, if I end up doing a transfer right before we go, do I really want to be running around the streets of NY for four days?  My plans were to kick my feet up and work from home and CHILL for a few days afterwards, and give that embryo the best chance I can.  My plans...

In the grand scheme of things, I know that a trip to NY or sitting on my derriere with my feet up will not matter.  If it's God's timing and His plan, it is going to happen.  No amount of my own planning is going to change that, and this was just another not so gentle reminder that I need to give up control.  I keep saying that I'm putting it on Jesus, and I am trying to do that, to let Him bear my burden, but I am not always successful.  I've prayed that if this is not the answer, somehow shut the door.  I've prayed for peace, comfort, grace, faith, a baby, perspective... you name it.

Amy posted this verse on her blog a couple of weeks ago, and it just rang so true for me.
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, SURELY, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late BY A SINGLE DAY." Habakkuk 2:3
I know that when we have our precious bundle of joy, in whatever way he or she comes to us, it truly will NOT be late by a single day.  I am sure their much longer wait than we've had is seeming so inconsequential at this point (except for all they've gained along the way), as they prepare to bring home their daughter.

On the subject of timing, when Matt finally got home last night, he brought in the mail and a sweet note one of my sweet neighbors dropped in our mailbox.  And, it really was impeccable timing.  Thank you, Molly.  Your words meant a lot to me, and I am anxiously awaiting a pink or blue balloon on your mailbox.  :)  P.S.  Matt and I had a discussion about how cute you are... haha, Matt doesn't usually use the word cute, but seriously... you take 40 weeks pregnant to a whole new level.

To bring some perspective back into the picture, I spent time in prayer last night only giving thanks for what I have, like the fact that I was crying over scheduling IVF rather than not being able to afford this opportunity.  It doesn't fully take away the pain of waiting or not knowing why this is happening the way it is or why it seems that we are "tested" maybe more than most, but it is a reminder of how much I have to be grateful for.  And, how God's timing in my life has worked out alright so far.

Braggart

My six year old nephew, James, is the smartest Kindergartener I know.  Plus, he is so stinking cute and sweet that I just want to steal him.  He called me the other night, and this is how our conversation went.

Me:  Hello?
James:  Aunt Kristin!
Me: (Surprised, because I expected his momma on the other end.) Hi James!  How are you?
James:  Aunt Kristin, guess what.  I read the book you got me when I was a baby.
Me:  (Confused, though I know I certainly have gotten him many books, I don't know which one.)  You did?  What book was that?
James:  The Little Engine That Could.  It was the first book I ever got.  You gave it to me when I was a baby and you wrote a note in the front.
Me:  I did(??)!!!  Wow.  That is so awesome.  And you read it?
James:  Yep, I read it by myself and the note too.
Me:  Well, what did the note say?
James:  Oh, hold on... (goes to get book)... "Christmas two hundred... I mean two thousand seven.  Dear James, You can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.  Don't ever give up.  Love, Aunt Kristin"
Me:  (basically in tears at this point)  James!!!  That is so amazing.  I cannot believe you read that and read the book.  You are so smart.

More conversation ensues, and then I talk to Christine (his momma) and proceed to tell her how that just made my night.  Seriously, he is SIX!!!!!!!!!!  And, he read The Little Engine That Could, which has a lot of big words in it like merrily and steadily AND HE READ THOSE WORDS!  Apparently, the other kids in his class are reading Level 1 and 2 books and he's reading Level 3.  His teacher calls him her little reader.  I could not be more proud, as you can tell.  I hope they test him for Gifted!  That was always the best day of my week in elementary school.  (As a side note, he was born in January 2006 and I am certain that was not the first book I gave him, or that anyone else gave him for that matter.)  :)

Such a boy.

Paleo Applesauce

I was getting ready to do my grocery shopping for the week, and I was looking for a good recipe for pork chops when I came across one for pork chops and applesauce (please tell me you read that with a Humphrey Bogart accent, a'la Peter Brady circa 1970 or something... or my family's dinner table any time pork chops and applesauce was on the menu).  Well, I opted for a different pork chop recipe, but I did all of a sudden really want some applesauce.  This is not something I normally crave (and no, unfortunately, I am not pregnant).

So, of course I adapted the recipe (as I do with 99% of what I make... recipes are just guidelines - unless you're baking) and it was delicious.

Paleo Applesauce
-3 lbs organic apples (I used Gala and Granny Smith)
-1/4 c water
-2 tbsp local honey
-1 tbsp agave nectar (and more to taste)
-1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
-1/4 tsp ground allspice
-1/8 tsp cinnamon

Peel, core and roughly chop the apples.  Put all of the ingredients into a pot and stir.  Bring to a simmer, stirring occassionally.  Reduce heat to low and cover for about 20 minutes.  When apples are falling apart when stirred, remove from heat and stir/mash with a fork to your desired consistency.  Add more agave as needed (depends on the acidity of your apples).  Serve warm or cold.  Eat, and feel like a kid again!

Mommy's Coming

Yay!  My mom, or madge as my sister and I affectionately call her (short for madre), is coming tomorrow!  Yayayayay!  I'm not sure what it is about moms visiting, but it just makes life better.  We have big plans of hitting up Ann Taylor Loft at Atlantic Station (it's her fave), Ikea, a little James McMurtry at Variety Playhouse (she doesn't know him, but we're dragging her along for the ride), Ballard Outlet (which I frequent since it is literally in my neighborhood... no for real, I can walk there), Bloody Marys at Six Feet Under on Sunday after church (bonus of not being pregnant yet... I can make mine with vodka instead of virgin), and just general tomfoolery.

We look nothing alike.  ;)

Loving Today

Yeah, yeah... besides my husband, dogs, family, friends and all that mushy stuff... this.

A little sneak peek of some of the things we've been up to in the living room.  I failed miserably at antiquing mirrors (side note: Ikea Lots mirrors are antique proof), so we just went with a clean version.  Five wide by five tall and framed out with 1-3/8" trim creates an inexpensive mirror installation above the fireplace that has a HUGE (literally and figuratively) impact.  It was also easy and quick... maybe took us 2-3 hours total to put up the mirrors, cut the trim, paint the trim, install the trim, then wood putty/touch up paint.  Stay tuned for more...

{happy dance... I love my house!}

I've got nothing.

Well, hello there.  I don't have much to say except that we've been busy putting the *almost* final touches on the house (you know, in addition to our normal duties like working and cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs), and I cannot wait to have it done and show it off!!!  Capella is beyond amazing, and the house is looking really good.  My good friend Jenny is going to come take some pretty pictures in a week and a half, so I will be posting them in the next several weeks.  The only thing that won't be done is the Roman shades for the kitchen, so we'll take a few shots of it now but the rest later.  And, the entry way probably won't be done (need a new console and to hang a new light), but that's not being photographed anyway, because that wasn't part of what Capella was doing for us.

Besides that, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today and trying to snap out of it.  I hate feeling like this.  I prayed for a long time last night... I thanked God, I pleaded with God, I asked God for contentment.  We want children.  This is not news to anyone, especially Him.  So besides asking Him to get with our program and make this happen (ha!), I am just begging Him to help me be content with what I have (in all parts of life) and thanking him for it.  I don't love my job, but I have a job.  I want to have a baby, but the time that Matt and I have together to ourselves is priceless.  I have so much more than I need.  I am so incredibly grateful for my husband and our marriage. 

And, I know all of this will be worth it... the doctors, the waiting, the hoping, wishing, willing, praying, believing, doubting, hurting.  There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that every little ounce of it will be worth it the first time we hold our child.  I just don't understand why we're being made to wait.  I know this isn't true and everyone has their demons, but I look around and see people that seem to have it all and haven't had a lot of heartache (or seemingly any) in their lives.  And then I look at my own life, and while I have had a wonderful life, I have faced more loss than most.  But, I know people who have had it way worse off, too.  And, I just wonder why we're being dealt these hands?  I am a believer that God won't give you more than you can handle and that He molds faith and character through hardships (James 1:3, James 1:12, James 5:11).  Sometimes I just want to ask if we can catch a break, but then I feel so incredibly selfish and shallow and ashamed of myself, because I know my life is good.

So, you see this little conundrum?  This vicious cycle of feeling sorry about my circumstances and then feeling sorry for feeling sorry about my circumstances.  Yeah.  Maybe I need a shrink.  :)  That is all.  Good day.

P.S.  Apparently I had a lot more to say than when I started this post.  Okay, now I'm really done.