Thursday, February 9, 2012

I've got nothing.

Well, hello there.  I don't have much to say except that we've been busy putting the *almost* final touches on the house (you know, in addition to our normal duties like working and cooking and cleaning and caring for our dogs), and I cannot wait to have it done and show it off!!!  Capella is beyond amazing, and the house is looking really good.  My good friend Jenny is going to come take some pretty pictures in a week and a half, so I will be posting them in the next several weeks.  The only thing that won't be done is the Roman shades for the kitchen, so we'll take a few shots of it now but the rest later.  And, the entry way probably won't be done (need a new console and to hang a new light), but that's not being photographed anyway, because that wasn't part of what Capella was doing for us.

Besides that, I'm just feeling a little sorry for myself today and trying to snap out of it.  I hate feeling like this.  I prayed for a long time last night... I thanked God, I pleaded with God, I asked God for contentment.  We want children.  This is not news to anyone, especially Him.  So besides asking Him to get with our program and make this happen (ha!), I am just begging Him to help me be content with what I have (in all parts of life) and thanking him for it.  I don't love my job, but I have a job.  I want to have a baby, but the time that Matt and I have together to ourselves is priceless.  I have so much more than I need.  I am so incredibly grateful for my husband and our marriage. 

And, I know all of this will be worth it... the doctors, the waiting, the hoping, wishing, willing, praying, believing, doubting, hurting.  There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that every little ounce of it will be worth it the first time we hold our child.  I just don't understand why we're being made to wait.  I know this isn't true and everyone has their demons, but I look around and see people that seem to have it all and haven't had a lot of heartache (or seemingly any) in their lives.  And then I look at my own life, and while I have had a wonderful life, I have faced more loss than most.  But, I know people who have had it way worse off, too.  And, I just wonder why we're being dealt these hands?  I am a believer that God won't give you more than you can handle and that He molds faith and character through hardships (James 1:3, James 1:12, James 5:11).  Sometimes I just want to ask if we can catch a break, but then I feel so incredibly selfish and shallow and ashamed of myself, because I know my life is good.

So, you see this little conundrum?  This vicious cycle of feeling sorry about my circumstances and then feeling sorry for feeling sorry about my circumstances.  Yeah.  Maybe I need a shrink.  :)  That is all.  Good day.

P.S.  Apparently I had a lot more to say than when I started this post.  Okay, now I'm really done.


Whitney Blake said...

I am so sorry you are going through so much. Lane and I were there not that long again. I remember the pleading part especially. Thank goodness on our part for modern medicine and amazing doctors otherwise we wouldn't have our little miracle. Just remember to stay positive I know it's hard but I think it helps (: Can't wait to see all the fun updates to your house.

Kristin said...

Thank you, Whitney. And, if you read this... I wanted to ask to get access to your blog when you went private, but I didn't know if you even knew who I was or that I was a blog stalker! Ha! So, I am going to send an e-mail through Amy to you. :)

Ms. Payne said...

This too shall pass! Everything will be ok. I know that plight but the trick is to ensure that you stay positive and believe it will be ok.