Well, the good news is that IVF was not physically hard on me, not even the IM progesterone shots (seriously not so sure what the big deal is about those... maybe I'm just extra tough or I just have an extra big butt or I had a good "nurse", but they didn't bother me). This is good news because we'll be doing it again.
Obviously, the bad news is that I am not pregnant. But, I already knew this. Unless I am some sort of freak of nature that does not metabolize hCG in my urine, I knew I was not pregnant. I did hope that I was that freak of nature, but it was certainly no shock to hear from the doctor with the bad news.
What was a shock was that it didn't work. I knew there was a chance it wouldn't, but I REALLY thought this was it. So did the doctors. Clearly, fertilization appeared to be our issue, especially once we only got three of thirteen to fertilize through ICSI. So, it seemed almost like a forgone conclusion that a good embryo would make a happy home in my womb. I am healthy in every way they can test for. Did they miss something? Was it just bad luck? After all of the initial drama, why would God even give us a chance, give us hope, if it was going to turn out this way? I am sure there is a reason, but I just don't see it. I guess it would have been no better if we had ended up with no good embryos at all... that would have sucked just as badly. All of the doctors in the practice will meet to discuss our case, what was good/bad, talk about the whole fertilization issue and talk with the embryologists in more detail about anything they may have seen with my eggs or Matt's sperm. Then we'll meet and discuss next steps.
I talked to Matt briefly and he wasn't able to talk too openly, but I know he is as crushed as I am (and we both just want to go home and cry... I, however, clearly have no problem crying in my wide open cube for all the world to see because I've been doing it for a good part of the day). We put two beautiful embryos inside of me (okay, maybe one wasn't that scientifically beautiful but it was to us), and I just don't understand what went wrong. How could neither one of them have made it? Did they both stop dividing, were they not able to implant, what? I will never know, but I can't help feeling an emotional connection to them. Obviously, I've never miscarried, but I am sure these emotions aren't like those. However, it is still such a feeling of loss even though I was never actually pregnant. Lost hope, lost opportunity, lost life. Much different than the three failed IUIs or many months of negative pregnancy tests.
I can tell you that I went from adamantly not wanting twins and thinking that I might rather have this first try result in no pregnancy than putting in two and getting twins to not really having a choice in the matter and putting in two and rooting for both. Obviously, we would have been thrilled with one healthy baby, but I know I'd rather deal with all that comes with twins than to feel this disappointment again. (To be clear, I'd still prefer they come one at a time. I am still sane.) :) We just want to be parents. Why does this have to be so difficult for us?
Last week, I was researching whether or not the first hCG tests could tell whether or not there were twins and when I'd have my first ultrasound. But, life goes on and we'll be fine. I've said it before and I'll say it again, our problems are nothing compared to so many but it doesn't take away from the suckiness or hurt. But, we still have SO MUCH to be thankful for and so we will try to focus on that as we build back up our hope for next time.