Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

That was always one of my favorite rides at Disney World.  Considering I am a thrill seeker and love all things rollercoasters with big drops, I'm not sure what excited me so about a little ride on a car that was basically a stroll through a large, partitioned room with some strange scenery and a few crashes, twists, turns, and close calls.  Maybe it was all in preparation for the wild ride we're now on... maybe you have to go through darkness and hell to come out the other side into the light and get off the ride.

I'm going to tell you two things that will make absolutely no sense together. 

• Over a year ago, when we decided to pull the goalie, I never thought I'd be where we are right now.  I fully expected to get pregnant pretty much right away. 
• Most of my adult life, I've had this nagging feeling that I would have trouble getting pregnant.

I told you they wouldn't make sense together.  I truly have always had this feeling, but when it came down to it, I very much expected to get pregnant right away.  Part of me wonders if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The other part of me thinks it's just like many things I have feelings about, deja vu, dreams, etc.  (I am kind of psychic.  Not full on can read anyone's mind or anything, but I think I have more weird "psychic" things than most people.  And, now you may also call me psychotic.)  Here's the thing about this feeling, there is absolutely nothing in my past or health history to ever make me think this.  Up until about two years ago, as far as I've known, I'm totally healthy.  I did find out almost two years ago that I am subclinically hypothyroid, but it doesn't appear to have much effect on anything.  I cycle normally, have a ton of eggs, etc.  The only other thing is that we've found out I have low progesterone post ovulation, but there's an app a pill for that.  So, while things aren't perfect, I should still be getting pregnant.

So, back to the ride.  I don't think I'm enlightening anyone by telling you that it is such a rollercoaster of emotions.  Some days I don't know my head from my ass and I'm just pissed.  Other days, I feel totally hopeful and happy.  Then, I'm sitting around a dinner table listening to someone say how their friends just got pregnant, friends I don't even know, and my heart drops into my stomach and does five flips.  Why can't that be us they're talking about?  I'm all for a good cry, but I have not even cried over our lack of pregnancy (I prefer this to infertility, as we really aren't infertile... maybe incompatible, I don't know, but not infertile).  Now, when our appraisal came back way less than we expected (we're trying to refi), I almost cried.  When Matt found out his project was canceled, I almost cried.  But not yet about this.  (P.S.  God, I know You're listening... I realize you think we're really strong and stuff, and we are, but can we just have a few good years without being thrown for some sort of loop like job uncertainty or child uncertainty or family illness or death?  K, thanks.)

Maybe it's because I know it will happen.  I do.  I don't know when, and I wish I did.  That would make this a lot easier.  I know that I have some control over it (treatments), but not really.  We've had two IUIs with no pregnancies.  I never questioned whether or not we'd do them, but I did question whether it made any difference.  If I truly believe that God will give us a child when He's good and darn ready (I do), then what difference do fertility treatments make, especially for people who don't really seem to need them?  But, God also gave us the knowledge and wisdom to do these things, so you have to try.  This, my friends, is the roller coaster... the wild ride... of thoughts, of (over)analysis, of prayers, of emotions.

There's more to say, to explore, to overanalyze, but not today.  So, I invite you on board.  Buckle your seatbelts, because it's going to be a wild, bumpy ride, but I have faith that we will arrive safely to our Destination; we just might make a few sudden turns and hit a few pot holes on the way.  I pray we're almost there.

And, if you want to join in this journey, may I ask for your prayers this week as we try again?  Obviously, I'd love your prayers for a successful outcome and a healthy baby, but I'd also love if you'd pray for our peace and that God makes Himself known to us through this process.